Birth, beads and a baby, part one

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Posted on August 30, 2012

“Ok, so I let you take pictures of me with your homemade dolls. Isn’t that enough, Woman?”

There are certain family stories you just don’t share. There are other stories which become legendary. This one is a toss-up but for posterity sake, I must pass it along.

“Mom, are you really going to do this to my brother on his b-day???”

It’s my middle OS’s 18th birthday today I’m going to embarrass him/myself and anyone else I can by telling this story. I love Aaron desperately. It’s his first birthday away from home at Moody Bible Institute. BLECH! Truly, Aaron brings immeasurable joy to my life and since his conception, this guy has been making me weirder by the day. Read on for the deets.

While pregnant with my middle OS, I began to love beads. And I mean LOVE. On many Saturday mornings, you’d find me at the flea market pining over ways to make unique jewelry. Actually I never made it myself but some mother/son flea marketeers pieced together my baubles in their simple tented outdoor booth. It was a win-win situation though we were a strange trio to be sure. They lived together in a cramped trailer home in rural North Carolina and didn’t get much exercise, I was a then career-minded, super busy, suburban mama raising a family in a middle class neighborhood near Raleigh.

I believe these three beads represented each trimester…

As my due date approached, I was insistent that beads become a central theme in the delivery, second only to my pending OS. Beads were symbolic of fertility and womanhood. According to my birth plan, everyone with the exception of medical personnel had to wear beads if they wanted to see Aaron enter the world.

The Hubs didn’t/doesn’t have an impressive jewelry stash. If you add marbles, you might say that his bead collection was scant at best. But being the ever dutiful wife, I wanted to resolve his burdensome problem.

I’m not sure what these represented but they represented something!

One afternoon I set off to personally visit the mother/son duo. They had told me they had an even vaster selection of beads at their home and many more masculine beads to choose from. It was now close to my delivery and I was determined. Aaron wasn’t going anywhere until his daddy had a bead necklace to wear for the big day. The miles I logged on that mini-van were astounding. At times I thought about giving up but how could I do that to my incredible husband and precious Aaron still stuck in the womb? I finally arrived and spotted the ramshackle trailer off a dusty, unpaved road. It had taken much longer to get here but Mom and Son were waiting for me.

We all waddled into the showroom. It was similar to a greenhouse only filled with a million or so beads. I noted the selection. Daunting. How could I choose? It had to be perfect and I wanted something to match the overall color scheme and mood of my necklace. After great thought and with my bead friends’ approval, I found the perfect pieces. For added manliness, I even included a few African bone beads. The Hubs was going to love it. They knotted and strung them all together and even gave me a satin gift bag. We all smiled and waved as I backed up my mini-van leaving a trail of dust in the midst. Mission accomplished…

“Um, thanks Mom?”

Here’s the link to Olive Shoot Institute and the aforementioned dolls. Stay tuned for part two, we’ll call it “the unveiling…”

Twice in a summer

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Posted on August 13, 2012

We argue. We fight. We disappoint each other and intentionally do things to annoy. These are some of the rather unsavory characteristics of my family.

On occasion our clothes are left on the ground, someone “forgets” to empty the dishwasher, the carpet needs vacuuming and the kitchen floor hasn’t seen a broom in a few days.

We battle big things too in this house…depression, anxiety, temptation and Ambien, to name a few.

But then there are these halcyon moments –

And it’s like one of us is a polished diamond

And we get it right

I didn’t grow up going to church. Raising a Christian family means so much to me. Sitting next to one of my guys makes it even sweeter.

Maybe not for the whole day, for that might be too strenuous

But for a snapshot of time, we experience a flash of heaven

Which is what happened Sunday morning…

Aaron helping lead worship. He did a great job and found it to be a very emotional experience.

It was Aaron’s last Sunday at church before leaving to attend college in Chicago. This summer Aaron has acted as one of our church’s interns. For a small church of about 50 people, I must say, they put my OS to work like a boss. In addition to holding a paid, part-time job as a pool attendant, Aaron had many church projects to accomplish. Whereas many nearly 18-year-old young people are majorly chilling the summer before going off to school, Aaron has been learning Greek, reading church leadership books and writing reports about them. Aaron worked tirelessly compiling a hymnal for our church filled with rich, beautiful hymns that are still reverent and true. Each time my OS showed me progress on this hymnal, he beamed with excitement and joy. Aaron and the two other summer interns led an entire church service and my middle OS was so moved by the experience, he ended up in tears before our small congregation recently one Sunday morning. Incidentally as a result, most of the congregation was equally emotional especially the mama with pink highlights in her hair = me!

The three pastors poured into our boy’s life and gave him a glimpse into how to truly minister and shepherd a flock of people. They showed Aaron the inner workings of a healthy church body, how to receive feedback before and after the sermon (something I’ve never heard of pastors doing before attending this church). Through their personal investment in my OS’s life, Aaron is developing into a vibrant and active young leader.

And on Sunday, our pastors blessed him in a grand way before sending him off to the Windy City. Although the Hubs and I knew about this previously, it came as a surprise to Aaron when he was asked to come up to the front of the church. Jerry, one of our pastors, explained to the crowd that Aaron was leaving to attend Moody Bible Institute and this would be his last Sunday with us. He then asked the men of the church to come forward and to pray over my boy. It wasn’t creepy and it didn’t offend my former feminist ways in case the mere thought of this bristles you.

Twice in a summer I have witnessed a moment like this.

My sandy-haired boy bowed his head and I realized at that moment, wow, this is the second child in a summer that I have seen kneeling before Jesus and his followers. (Click here to read about the first time with Nathan). We weren’t at West Point; we were in the suburbs of North Carolina but another one of my olive shoots was submitting his life to the Lord and receiving from His people, words of blessing and protection. Honestly, I think the statistics for something like this happening twice in a summer are quite small. And when I consider my wretchedness, I think it is nothing short of miraculous that something this beautiful could happen to me as a mother. And furthermore, this is the second time the orange hair, freckle face OS has laid hands on a brother and helped usher him into a new season of life. Not your everyday, run of the mill brother stuff but something lofty, holy and lovely.

The prayer didn’t last too long, no one spoke in tongues, snakes were not handled. 😉

Seeing godly men praying for my olive shoot, thank you Jesus for this glorious moment. That’s my orange hair, freckle face guy in the black shirt, his hands on his bro.

As the prayer finished and the men made their way back to their seats, Pastor Rob asked Aaron to stay up front for a moment.

And that’s when they gave Aaron another gift as if the gift of prayer, love, protection, shepherding, accountability and manly, godly leadership weren’t enough.

Sitting next to my boy one last time before college, Aaron getting his hymnal, the actual hymnal

He sweetly handed my boy the very first copy of our church’s new hymnal. The project Aaron had devoted hours on was finished and my OS got first dibs. Aaron hugged our pastors fiercely and shined like a diamond holding that hymnal in his hand. He sat down next to me and while he began flipping through the pages, I patted his knee, tears in my eyes. As sad as I think Aaron might feel about leaving his family, I think he feels even sadder leaving his church. He will be a part of our fellowship even if he’s thousands of miles away.

Here’s one of Aaron’s favorite songs, Jesus, Savior Pilot Me which can be found on page 82 in our hymnal. Surely I will think of the precious child who sat and snuggled next to me even as a teenager each Sunday morning. As a benefit of birthing this fine olive shoot, I too, was handed a copy of the hymnal which Aaron will be signing for me. I cherish it already. (Btw, yes, I’m crying while writing this.)

This is a cool song. Beautiful, timeless words. ❤

So today, we’ll see how it goes. One of us might be grouchy. The Hubs and I might bicker, the guys might not initiate folding the mounds of laundry. We are alas a very human bunch. Still, I will praise the Lord. I will exalt His name. I will rejoice in the blessings I am given, those moments when we transcend our selfishness, stubbornness and foolishness and I see extraordinary beauty in the land of the living. May it be so with you and those you love as well. ❤

Ambien – setback, stepback, not giving up

13 Comments

Posted on August 9, 2012

Wednesday around 3am, I felt like a puny junior high girl in PE class…

Good times posing in the Kmart photo booth

Circa 1974ish

My opponent this time wasn’t the rope that was hooked to the gym ceiling that I never could climb at Jefferson Junior HIgh

And it wasn’t the chin-up bar from which I couldn’t pull myself to save my life or my dignity

Wednesday morning, I wasn’t the last one picked for the volleyball match or the girl who lost the softball game

in my red PE shorts, red and white thin-striped polyester PE shirt with red trim, a lithe and flat female frame devoid of all muscle tone either

No, in the wee hours of Wednesday, I was in bed, in my pajamas, a grown woman!

but I just as felt defeated that night (or should I say morning) sleep mask, pillows, fan going full blast

Tired

because I took the stupid Ambien

it was 3am and I told the Lord I was going to do it

There have been times when I have told Jesus I was going to do something and I knew He wasn’t going to like it

I bet you have too

but I was so tired

and having been up with my orange hair, freckle face OS for yet another night

feeling helpless about how to care for him and desperate for some rest

I swallowed that tiny pill and fell asleep with my sick boy nearby

I continue to trust in the Lord

Middle school Cindy

Blocking out the Enemy’s voices that remind me of my failings

My Holy One is teaching me things

I may falter and get distracted

Day and night

Ambien and life

But there is grace

My Heavenly Father presides over me

And through Him, I can do all things

Even sleep

The Lord loved that little wimpy middle school Cindy way back then and is compassionate towards me now. I’m on his team, He picked me many years ago and doesn’t laugh at my shortcomings but gives me the courage to press on

And so I will try again and claim this promise

Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Thanks for listening….I welcome your thoughts and prayers

Excuse me, ma’am, but is that the Sears Tower in your living room?

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Posted on August 2, 2012

Our forays into hospitality continue this weekend. We are busy preparing for another big event. Saturday night we will have about 100 people filling our humble home. It is Aaron’s college send-off party and there’s a lot to do to get ready.

My middle OS Aaron in his element serving others and the Lord he loves

Aaron will attend Moody Bible Institute and to pursue a degree in ministry with desires to be both a teacher and a pastor. Have you ever seen your kids doing something you know they were meant to do? My middle OS helped lead the church services on Sunday and he looked so at ease in front of our congregation, I just had to shed a few tears out of the pride and joy that settled in my mama’s heart. The Lord is doing some wonderful things in his life and I must allow him to begin this new season of life. But wow, I’m really going to miss him…

Since MBI is located in Chicago, we are having a Windy City themed party. Our menu includes Chicago style hotdogs, popcorn and Chicago style pizza. We are also serving healthy stuff because I just can’t feed my guests all junk no matter how tasty it is.

Ike helps put a few more finishing touches on the Sears Tower. Or do you call it Willis Tower?

A few months ago, my friend Mavis and I began work on a big project for the party. Our mission: to build the Sears Tower. How hard can that be? We spent a long morning painting, cutting and hot gluing and marveled at our handiwork even though we didn’t complete the project in one fell swoop. Now, construction of that impressive edifice is nearly finished. I only have to find two paper towel rods, paint them silver, stick them to the top of the building and voila! our indoor skyscraper will be done. The orange hair, freckle face OS dutifully assisted efforts yesterday in putting another few stores on the building. I should have been an architect, I mean check this out, very life-like, don’t you think? Actually it looks pretty cool but it is funny to have people stopping by our house for incidental things and suddenly seeing a giant cardboard skyscraper in the house. They’re not sure what to think.

But here’s what I know. My kid deserves a celebration. We are blessed to have a community of family and friends who love us. I’m not ready for this but he is and that’s more important. Let’s party!

Remember the cool give-away and to leave a comment on that post, I’ll announce the winner on Monday, August 6th (EST).

I’d love to hear about any of your fun party plans too!

What to do when pastors are people

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Posted on July 29, 2012

I might NOT be the world’s best sleeper but I am a pretty decent cook and I can throw a good dinner party so I got that going for me. Things are going well with me not using Ambien but I really want to have my sleep become an effortless aspect of my life and not something that requires much time and practice. One day I pray this will be so. Until then, I keep moving forward and looking for SAFE and NATURAL ways to get restful sleep. Keep sharing my friends, I really appreciate it!

Welcome to my home!

But back to two things I manage to do fairly well. Last night we hosted a dinner party and invited our pastors to join us. Gulp! That adds an additional measure of pressure, don’t you think? Sure they are just people but you really don’t want to do anything stupid when your pastor’s just arm’s length away from you, right? Plus you want everything to taste good, for conversation to flow and for there to be a sweet fellowship among the guests. And you certainly don’t want your kids to embarrass you by discussing that less than stellar parenting moment you had during the week…so I’m wondering if based on all of their congregants’ insecurities, can pastors really have any social life at all? Hmmm…we need to change the paradigm and bless these folks.

Getting ready for company

For days I had been planning Saturday night’s dinner. I moved furniture, consulted with the family regarding the menu, bought groceries and made the chicken broth for the gumbo. I ironed napkins, wrote on our kitchen chalkboard and did one of my all-time favorite things, set the tables. Oh how I love to make a pretty table for my family and friends.

It wasn’t the easiest thing to put on the wall but definitely worth it.

A few days prior, the Hubs had placed a super cool decal on our dining room wall. It aptly expresses who we strive to be as a family. Here’s a link if you want one of these decals.

Water lily napkin fold with a dehydrated tomatillo husk in the middle, they are so pretty!

For this dinner, I did a super easy water-lily napkin fold technique and added some tomatillo husks that I had dehydrated to the center of the napkin. I have never cooked with tomatillos until a few weeks ago and I was simply smitten with the husks. They looked like little flowers to me. Yes, I felt like a fancy girl and it reminded me of playing with my doll house many years ago. A smattering of the husks dotted the tables. Privately I prayed the pastors and their wives would shriek with delight the moment they entered the room.

And while I’m not sure that happened, we had an absolutely lovely time.

Pastors and their wives can be super fun! Trust me, we know!

And we played Think-ets which became the highlight of the evening. With Think-ets we learned more about each other than we might have just in having simple table talk. Our conversations were personal, deep, hilarious and fascinating. I’ll tell you about Think-ets more in my next post.

We have been blessed to have many Jesus-loving pastors tending our family throughout the years but sadly we have never done anything like this before. It was time to offer hospitality to the people who have cared for us and we sought to bless them. If the thought of having your pastors or members of clergy over to your house invites fear and worry, do it anyway as a way of saying thanks. What to do when pastors are people? Easy. Love them, feed them, pray for them big time because they’re dealing with people like you and me and welcome them into your home. They deserve it and so do you.

We called this table the grown up table! It was a lovely time!

Ambien, part three – ways that can help

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Posted on July 26, 2012

Lavender sleep mask = best friend

I told the Hubs last night that I just want to be over this whole not taking Ambien thing. I want to have this behind me.

I imagine this is a common feeling with a lot of people struggling with a dependency.

They just want to be on the other side of the problem, you know what I mean?

Thankfully, I married a sweet man. A good man. A loving and righteous man. And yes he snores and can leave his socks on the floor by the bed and yes, those things REALLY annoy me but I so appreciated his response.

He told me, “Mama, you’re doing it.”

And that blessed my tired soul.

Waking up in the morning with 6-7 hours of sleep free from Ambien is victorious. It’s like I battled some dark, evil dragon and won. But I don’t feel that I’ve got this all figured out yet.

Fan is a must for sleep

Of my own strength, I’m vulnerable and weak so when I told my oldest OS what I was doing, I appreciated Nate’s full attention. At 22 years old, he has a life of his own and doesn’t always hear me and can be easily distracted. But this time, Nate sincerely listened to me. And he said this. “Mom, I’m really proud of you. That was nasty stuff.” Oh my, this matters to him. I want my family to be proud of me. (Lord, let my family be proud of me because I’m relying on you.)

So since I realize that I’m not the only one with sleep problems and I’m seeking to find natural, restful sleep, here are some things that might help. These are drug-free and healthy options. I’m dissecting the things I’m doing because I hope to encourage someone else. You can do it. Actually you can’t but God and you can. I’m an imperfect example of someone that’s moving forward, giving it all I got and letting Jesus fill in the rest.

I go to bed early, around 10:30. The later I go to sleep, the more I stress about how late it is and how I’ll never fall asleep. It becomes a vicious cycle of despair and fatigue. Hitting the sack earlier allows me some time to unwind.

This goober gave me good advice and I love him for it! Btw, he was holding this bag of beans because I asked him to and I thought it was funny!

I listen to my family’s advice. Wouldn’t you know that the Lord recently used a teenage kid to offer me sage counsel? It came from my middle OS Aaron who was positively insistent that I go to bed early. My ministry minded OS learned of my desire to rid myself of Ambien and he reasoned quite logically that if I went to bed early and it took me a while to go to sleep, at least I would probably sleep through the night and feel more rested. And you know what? That guy was right! If you are struggling in this area of life, what advice are those who love you most telling you? If it’s healthy advice, take it. If it’s stupid and will just lead you down another bad path, fuhgettaboutit.

I’m careful about what I put into my mind. Have you noticed (because I have) that there are some really terrible tv shows on late at night? One night while taking Ambien, I fell asleep on the floor with the tv on. When I awoke, I couldn’t believe what was on tv, it was something I never needed to know about or see. And btw, I wasn’t watching porn before I went to bed, thank you very much. But I am discerning about what goes into my system emotionally, physically, spiritually and nutritionally. I’m aiming to fall asleep PEACEFULLY and NATURALLY and this is an easy thing that makes a difference. I guard my mind and all of me, body and soul feel better.

This is the stupid box and I need to turn it off before I go to bed.

So if you are trying to learn how to sleep, what are you putting into yourself throughout the day and especially just before going to bed? I have a very sensitive constitution. Things bother me easily. I avoid loud music, alcohol, illegal drugs, crazy stuff on tv, sexual content, graphic violence, disturbing images, intense music, books and internet sites especially before bed. It might work for you. Seriously, what have you got to lose besides getting another monkey off your back?

Clock, you are not my friend. I shall not set my sight on you, mon ami, at least not late at night. Be gone! 😉

Don’t look at the clock. The Lord told me (and not like in a big, booming voice from heaven but actually deep within my spirit), He said, “Don’t look at the clock. It will thwart your progress. Trust me instead.” So when I have a late night trip to the restroom, I do not glance, not even for a second at the clock. Sure sometimes I’m tempted and I have looked before and God was right (as usual) it didn’t help me. Jesus does though. Don’t look at the clock.

I’d love to hear about any of your suggestions too. Freeing myself from this drug is a big deal and while I’m don’t feel that I can claim total victory, I’m making progress. Thanks for your encouragement and support. You bless me. Sweet dreams and I really mean that.

Officers’ Christian Fellowship at West Point info

Sorting and savoring, two graduations, 10 days apart

8 Comments

Posted on June 4, 2012

Aaron takes a bow after his final performance. #tears

Stand up and take a bow. Curtain closes on another chapter.

It’s that let-down feeling you have after everything is said and done.

Your busy plans are complete,

bags are emptied,

things are sort of back in place

and despite a moment of rest,

you are still utterly exhausted and drained.

Your company has left and life is back to normal – that is until your husband has meniscus surgery this Wednesday.

And looking at you and your sassy pink-haired self, no one would know all that’s been going on because you appear to be coping.

But the fact is you are struggling and you (in this case me) wrestle with conflicting emotions.

Clear as mud, huh?

Without getting too personal because blogs like that make me uncomfortable, this is how I’m feeling.

In some strange way, it seems as if nothing happened because so much happened and it’s just too hard to process. It’s postpartum depression minus the baby. I scarce can take it all in.

Two graduations in nine days in two different states is not for the faint of heart.

Of all the stressful things I have done in my life, having those two events so close to each other is wayyyy high up there on the things I wouldn’t choose to repeat.

Both moments were so significant and emotional, there wasn’t time to absorb one without quickly being distracted by the other.

As a result, I’m stunned.

What did we just do?

Where did we just go and come back from (and I don’t even care about the questionable grammar)?

How much money did we spend?

Why am I both full of emotion yet in empty despair?

The denouement of Aaron’s high school graduation and Nate’s graduation from the United States Military Academy needed their own proper time. Kind of like my arthritic right knee, there wasn’t and isn’t any cushion.

After a graduation celebration with some of Nate’s friends and their families, the Hubs and I were driving on Bear Mountain Bridge.

: Nate and I after the graduation parade. I really loved that shining brass buckle. Very shiny.

Our tummies were full of delicious food from Foodies and it was early evening.

The United States Military Academy, an outline of the stately concrete structures were off in the distance.

The view called out to my mama’s heart.

Amber lights sparkled from the windows, the Hudson River sat tranquil and tears streamed from my eyes.

Tears are currently streaming from my eyes as I type this, thank you very much.

Cadets are still in these rooms, I thought to myself.

They are busy doing things, I mused, but strangely, my boy is no longer there.

How could that be??? His (and thusly my) 47 month journey had ended just hours before and everyone had seemingly moved on.

Ring Weekend was such a beautiful night! Now it’s all done!

Nate was ready.

I guess I was not.

As the Hubs kept his eyes on the road, I couldn’t help but reach out and grab that little West Point with my fingers.

Between my thumb and my pointer finger, I held West Point there as long as I could before we passed it by.

I can never grasp what this place has meant to my OS or to me.

I can find reasons to return to West Point but none will be for my boy as a plebe, yuk, cow or firstie.

The pangs of this reality sting and confuse.

He loved that place.

He hated it.

It was so far away.

I loved coming there.

What tumult of spirit!

No sooner had Nate graduated from USMA, then he bolted from Michie Stadium along with nearly 1000 other newly commissioned officers and finished turning in all their stuff.

There wasn’t any sentiment in the departure and it reminded me of the 90 second goodbye we had been issued on R-Day, that never to be forgotten day.

No built-in cushion there that’s for sure.

Pride, humility, loss, gain, and so much more jumble inside.

I expect to be working through these experiences and emotions for quite some time because that’s what a mama does, right?

My boy, that uniform, what memories

I’d love to hear from you if you can relate. West Point mom or not, you might empathize. Thanks for listening…

My boy, that uniform, what memories

West Point graduation touchstone moments

5 Comments

Posted on May 28, 2012

Pictured here are the freckle face, orange hair ginger, the Hubs, the Officer just after we pinned the bars on his uniform, the weepy proud mama, the grandpa and the ministry-bound middle brother.

This is not a glamour shot.

We are an imperfect bunch.
But we love each other.
And when not focusing on our own personal comforts which is often difficult for most people including myself and those in my clan.
We reach deep down inside and demonstrate support and care.

And this is what my oldest OS deserved on HIS day.
Not telling Nate how exhausted and hot we were (because I do not believe there are sufficient words and he was surely tired and sweaty!)
But rather standing next to our Soldier physically, emotionally and spiritually.
As he graduated from the United States Military Academy.

It was a privilege and an honor.
And if someone would have handed me a mirror,
And lipstick,
And some haircare products,
Or offered me a shower to freshen up,

It was only after taking the picture, I realized that we were all touching each other.

You know, because an important picture was going to be taken,

I would have said no

And continued to hold my son’s hand.
Unconcerned about appearance,
Shedding tears of pride.

No other place could I have been
Then next to Nate and surrounded by those who love him most.

Making memories for a lifetime,
This perspiring, imperfect collection of people
Honored a man of integrity
Whom the Lord gave me for such a time as this
And I am richly, profoundly blessed to call him (and all those in this picture) my own.