When you try to help someone who doesn’t want help

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1236174_10151558384936990_620869118_nSometimes it feels like Alzheimer’s is contagious

The person diagnosed is changing

But so are the people effected by his decline

I not only wonder where he is going

I feel like I don’t even remember who I am anymore

My brain is intact

Yet the amount of energy and anguish

The stress and the uncertainty

The lack of family unity (not with our own three olive shoots, praise the LORD!) at a time when you should be able to rely on each other the most

It’s like we’ve been bitten by a Russell’s viperrusselsshoejpg

Which incidentally, is a very bad thing.

I find it hard to concentrate on much else

Alzheimer’s

Dementia

Destruction

Anxiety

photo copyWhat was I doing before this?

I was reading a book for pleasure

And now I’m afraid to even try to pick it back up

Because it’s another reminder of what life used to be

I cannot even find the tears

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Briefly observing the world with Alzheimer’s eyes – a daughter-in-law’s journey

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What do you see when you look at this picture?

What do you see when you look at this picture?

“GAW! That was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen!” exclaims my passenger

It was my first time being the driver.

We were running errands and making small talk

Overall, I’d say the time together was nearly delightful

But deep inside me, I was sweating

Try to act nonchalant and easy-going

(Two things I’m not really known for)

So when he exclaimed about the things he saw on the street

I asked him in a very comfortable fashion,

“What did you see?”

And that’s when he says,

“I just saw a house without a roof, smoke coming out of it on top of a grave.”

I gulp…

It’s August

In North Carolina

There are no Halloween decorations up yet

And there is no house without a roof with smoke coming out of it

Over a grave

My heart broke

My pulse quickened

La-dee da, dee da dee da

“Don’t freak out,” I say to myself and we go merrily along the way.

Since Friday, my mind has turned like a whole organic, antibiotic-free chicken on a rotisserie

So today I drive back to that stretch of road

And I take a walk with my camera

W7J9L7Fdbld6DBBp_gomz-GJi-iP196ZexHRe57w9EcI try to look with brain-diseased eyes

This might sound bothersome but I have to figure this out

Then I spot two structures on the street that might fit his description

I know what he saw!

And I get it

With brain-diseased eyes, these buildings look as if they don’t have roofs

I imagine this being a very scary sight.

I imagine this being a very scary sight.

The trees might look like smoke

So could the clouds billowing in the sky

And the grave,

XOhNO0O45NoWuqL7frli7PETNf0fythdsQ_g1W-gkX8

I surmise it’s the office building sign

Strangely, I feel better

Because for a fleeting moment

I have entered his world and a piece of this horrid puzzle fits

I drive away and make a mental note

Scared…fearful…thankful…sad.

Question: Have you ever tried to unlock a brain mystery like this out before? I’d love to know!

You need a thick skin for Alzheimer’s, so what am I to do?

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It is heartbreaking to find old pictures destroyed in the trash.

It is heartbreaking to find old pictures destroyed in the trash.

As this ignoble journey through Alzheimer’s plods on,

I look up at the photo bulletin board in his kitchen

And in the last few days,

The picture of the Hubs and me

Has been torn up

And in our place

Stands the business card of the exterminator!

Ouch

At first I laughed…

But then it felt like a wasp sting in my heart

Pictures of the Hubs and his dad have been ripped up recently

Thrown in the trash

And I told the Hubs, “It’s ok. He doesn’t mean it. He loves you.”

But then it happened to me and instead I sadly said,

“I’m going to need to work through this.”

I can handle cleaning poo off the toilet seat rims,

Cindy versus poo,

I always win

20130824-180520.jpg

The miserable evolution and emotion of the bulletin board. I thought it would be something that brought him joy. I put it up for remembrances. Now I just want to forget I even bothered.

But crud muffins, being downgraded from the exterminator

Come on

Really?

Whoa

Oh, Brain Disease, if a picture of YOU were on my bulletin board

I’d replace you with a 8×10 PICTURE of MY exterminator

Now, Brain Disease, you know how we feel…

Five minute Friday – last

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We are a good team doing a very reluctant task.

We are a good team doing a very reluctant task.

I have fallen into a black hole of despair

Beyond depression

This abyss

Has left me wondering where I went

But I’m not the one with a brain disease

So it’s weird…

Sometimes the Hubs and I feel like we’ve lost our minds

While caring for someone who is losing his

It’s the last thing I want to do

photo copy 3But oddly enough, it’s the first thing I want to do because I have no choice. And I love him and I know it’s the right thing even though Alzheimer’s is the last thing I would ever wish on a person.

Comfortphoto copy

Encourage

Problem-solve

Discover

Feed

Understand

Restore

Calm

Those are first places in my heart

But here I am doing the last things

Removing rotting food from a fridge

Counting pills to help prevent a medical emergency

Cleaning poo off a toilet seat for the millionth time

Being afraid of what’s going to happen next.

Abba, Father!

There’s so much more…I’ll save it for next time.

So what does the word "last" make you think about? Join this writing community and share! You'll feel better, trust me!

So what does the word “last” make you think about? Join this writing community and share! You’ll feel better, trust me!