Ambien – setback, stepback, not giving up

13 Comments

Wednesday around 3am, I felt like a puny junior high girl in PE class…

Good times posing in the Kmart photo booth

Circa 1974ish

My opponent this time wasn’t the rope that was hooked to the gym ceiling that I never could climb at Jefferson Junior HIgh

And it wasn’t the chin-up bar from which I couldn’t pull myself to save my life or my dignity

Wednesday morning, I wasn’t the last one picked for the volleyball match or the girl who lost the softball game

in my red PE  shorts, red and white thin-striped polyester PE shirt with red trim, a lithe and flat female frame devoid of all muscle tone either

No, in the wee hours of Wednesday, I was in bed, in my pajamas, a grown woman!

but I just as felt defeated that night (or should I say morning) sleep mask, pillows, fan going full blast

Tired

because I took the stupid Ambien

it was 3am and I told the Lord I was going to do it

There have been times when I have told Jesus I was going to do something and I knew He wasn’t going to like it

I bet you have too

but I was so tired

and having been up with my orange hair, freckle face OS for yet another night

feeling helpless about how to care for him and desperate for some rest

I swallowed that tiny pill and fell asleep with my sick boy nearby

I continue to trust in the Lord

Middle school Cindy

Blocking out the Enemy’s voices that remind me of my failings

My Holy One is teaching me things

I may falter and get distracted

Day and night

Ambien and life

But there is grace

My Heavenly Father presides over me

And through Him, I can do all things

Even sleep

The Lord loved that little wimpy middle school Cindy way back then and is compassionate towards me now. I’m on his team, He picked me many years ago and doesn’t laugh at my shortcomings but gives me the courage to press on

And so I will try again and claim this promise

Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Thanks for listening….I welcome your thoughts and prayers

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13 thoughts on “Ambien – setback, stepback, not giving up

  1. PE class is over-rated from someone who couldn’t do any of those things either! You’ve been really busy lately and lots of life changes. Praying with and for you! Sending hugs, my friend.

    • Shucks Karen! I hate that for you! Perhaps the time isn’t right. Don’t give up forever, it’s not easy and I wish I were the only one struggling because I hate it for others. I will be praying for you, we can do this, in God’s timing and with His strength. ❤

  2. Definitely praying. I am so proud of you for sharing this setback. It’s so much harder for Satan to hold it over your head when you’ve already brought it out into the light.
    You may have talked about this earlier, but have you tried melatonin or any other herbal supplements? I am using some herbal vitamins in place of my antidepressants, and they are helping a lot without the side-effects I was getting before.
    Love you!

    • I take something called Liquid Light at night and that might help a little. I also take Calcium Magnesium. I appreciate your perspective because Satan wants me to fail and the Lord tell me I am more than a conqueror. As the afternoon draws on, I confess, I’m feeling a little anxious about another eventful night. Ike has been sick for nearly a week and I’m awakened at night to my boy needing my help and it is impossible to fall back asleep. Thanks for your suggestions and care! Love you too!

  3. Sweetie – be gentle with yourself. There is no pass or fail in the kingdom of God, only grace.Your strength does not lie in whether or not you take a little pill, it is in your wonderful and precious character. Love you and will be praying for you.

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