Category Archives: funny

Sew not happening

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Ok, I’m sitting here watching the Army/Navy game. I am so not an athletic person but this is one game where I attempt to pay attention in the warm comfort of my home. I find myself crying at nearly every military commercial the television station runs.


And I’m making aprons. From about 5 in the morning, my little sewing machine is stitching away.

I pride myself on raising three godly OS who love Jesus and remember to put the toilet seat down after using it. My OS can cook, do laundry and iron. Not joyfully, mind you but nonetheless, they are developing into capable, competent men.

But apparently they have limits and they aren’t going to budge.

Don’t ask me why but I was cutting fabric to make some snake aprons (a future blog post to be sure) and I blithely ask my middle OS and my orange-haired, freckle faced OS a question which will live in infamy…

“Do you think that you guys would ever be interested in learning how to sew?” I inquire.

Aaron squirms and suddenly announces an urgent need to use the bathroom.

And without forethought or hesitation, with nary a consideration about how his precious mother might feel, my 13 year old Ike states, “I’d rather be castrated!”


Allrighty then, I guess that closes that subject! I didn’t think either one of them would be interested but it’s been confirmed, it ain’t happening.

My oldest OS is applying for some exciting overseas opportunities with West Point. They would take him far, far from home and be ridiculously exciting.

But then I had an idea…I told him that I was pretty sure there was going to be an exciting opportunity aka AIAD here in our neck of the woods. And you know what he said,

“Yeah but I heard it involves aprons so I’m not interested!”


How do you like that? Hmphf!

Boys will be boys. I will sew solo, get it?

Chuck Norris is in da house!

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So basically it was just your typical day at West Point. You know, cadets in ACUs or as-for-class uniforms, cadets correctly addressing each other, cadets jogging by one another or concocting some buffoonery to torment on a fellow cadet. (Oh, how I wish I could blog about that but I can’t because a certain cadet would disown me!)


However, there really isn’t anything typical about West Point. Many notable people stroll this stately place. Geraldo Rivera, Miss USA and the President of El Salvador (prior to the communist takeover of that beautiful country) have been to WP. The Prince of Orange was at USMA this fall and I’m not ashamed to say this, I had no idea anyone could be the prince of a fruit! Actually it’s the Netherlands – DUH!


Recently, Trace Adkins gave a no-holds-barred concert which was resoundingly NOT politically-correct. Yeah, West Point has brought some heavy hitters on post.

But none, and I mean, NONE as cool and awesome and wonderful and every other adjective imaginable ever known to humankind as the man/myth/hero who came by on Tuesday.

The day before Veteran’s Day, West Point was ridiculously exciting because…drum roll, please…

Chuck Norris paid a visit to WP!

My son was unable to meet him personally, shucks, but Chuck Norris was announced in the Mess Hall as my OS was running to class from the auditorium. I guess that’s a good thing because Nate was worried about getting a roundhouse kick from him! HA! And although Nate didn’t meet Chuck, one of his buddies got a high-five from him and another had a photo op with the guy! What luck!


Chuck Norris is the man. He respects and supports the military.

He speaks his mind but with tact and passion. Every time I have seen the guy on tv, he sounds genuine and humble despite all the adulation. I understand that Chuck stayed well past his initial commitment and signed books for well over three hours. Solid.
Today ESPN is reporting from West Point and I am thrilled that the Army is getting some good press.
These last couple of days have been so sad and concerning…

In honor of Chuck’s visit to West Point, here are some Chuck Norris jokes for your reading pleasure…


If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Redemption para Senor Taco Cabesa (Redemption by Mr. Taco Head)

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It’s only taken 10 months for there to be redemption in my house. Say what??? I’m talking about coupon redemption, folks; we found redemption of the spiritual sort individually quite some time ago, which by the way, is a VERY good thing!

On my birthday, which happens to be January 27th so be sure to mark it down, my middle OS gave me a coupon for him to make dinner for the family. I read the fine print, “this coupon is a legal voucher for a complete meal on any non-school day. This must be presented to the giver before 3:00 on that day or before that day. The only other rule is that you must enjoy your meal and have a nice time doing whatever it is that you do while you are not cooking.” Isn’t that cool?

This morning I announced/asked Aaron if he could make dinner tonight. With only a momentary hesitation, he agreed.

Around 6pm, my middle OS began to make turkey tacos. He donned the family chef’s hat, tied the apron around his trim waist and set to work. I worked on some sewing projects and snapped pics to capture every moment as he unabashedly posed for the camera not fully realizing the apron he actually had selected. Take a minute and you’ll see what I mean…


Aaron was wearing a reversible apron I made in the summer. I chuckled seeing Aaron chopping onions, browning the turkey meat with the girly side of the apron in full view.

I think my OS forgot that the other side of the apron has something much more to his liking. Guitars. Aaron LOVES guitars and music possibly more than fashion. As soon as I pointed out which side he was wearing and he realized I had the pictures to prove it, Aaron reversed to the more manly print.

How interesting it was for me to see Aaron frantically running around the kitchen trying to get everything ready at the same time. HALLO~Welcome to my world! Moms, you know exactly what I’m talking about! Sometimes it’s so crazy trying to put food on the table. I believe Aaron had an epiphany tonight and we shall see how long that lasts. The aroma filling the house was quite delicious and although it would make a funnier post to say the meal was a flop, that would be a lie. Y’all, my boy can throw down! Tonight was husband training at its finest. Excuse me while I take a bow…


The true test of a good meal in our home is silence. If people aren’t talking while eating, you know it’s good. Take, for example, my angel food cake. You could have heard a crumb drop. And if a crumb had dropped, you would have heard someone licking it up! Tonight’s turkey tacos produced only the sound of crunching. In other words, we enjoyed mealtime.


I’m so glad I found redemption today and cashed in on my dinner coupon. In between bites, I bestowed upon Aaron a new nickname, thanks to a scrumptious meal, he is now crowned Senor Taco Cabesa!

PIcture Day problems

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Ok, admit it. We all have had some bad experiences with Picture Day at school. Because I am so honest and brave, I will now share with you perhaps one of the ugliest pictures taken of a 10th grade student at Naperville North High School. Who is this hideous creature??? Moi, thank you very much.

My little brother had a very funny school picture taken which still brings me chuckles. Since he’s a lot bigger than I am, I will only tell you about it and not risk my life by posting the picture although I’m sure he doesn’t read my blog. I will simply tell you that I dubbed him Triangle Head because his bangs were combed into a serious Isosceles triangle.


And my oldest OS has a silly elementary school picture but it doesn’t rival to the school picture we got this week.



Whether it’s genetics, puberty or just bad luck (if I believed in luck), I don’t know but it appears that something went terribly awry with Aaron’s 10th grade picture too.

Brace yourself, friends. It’s not pretty…(He is pretty but the picture is not!)


When my middle OS set down the envelope containing his school pictures, I opened it excitedly. He’s a good looking kid, nothing to worry about right???

WRONG!

I looked at the face in the photo and the child in front of me, I was incredulous. “For Pete’s sake, Aaron, what did you do? This is a horrible picture!” Aaron completely agreed and feigned innocence. It’s almost like the photographer wanted to get the most unattractive angle of my OS possible. I mean, really! His head looks misshapen, the smile is forced, his eyes look strangely placed, this is not my child!

We have returned the pictures but I admit I almost wanted to buy them because they were so bad and surely would be good for laughs for years to come.
I’d love to hear that my family isn’t the only one with quite a collection of bad Picture Day pictures!

Wow, that was bad, really bad

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I made a really bad side dish yesterday. A dish so mind-blowingly bad, it rivals the escarole soup my mother made decades ago which was beyond vile! Yes, it’s true!

I was looking forward to using my farmer’s market produce and impressing my family with another culinary wonder. Alas, I was not successful. I’m still trying to figure out what went so terribly wrong.


Maybe it was that the recipe called for rice vinegar but I used the apple cider vinegar instead? Or maybe it was because the recipe called for ONE cup of vinegar and one scant teaspoon of sugar? Hmmm, I’m still trying to figure it out.

After chilling the salad for an hour, I took it out and stirred it with a spoon. I noticed that some of the dressing got on my fingers and it stung. Why, why, why?

But when I sat down at the dinner table and tried the salad, I discovered the answer… the salad was ridiculously sour! I thought maybe someone in my family likes the salad so I didn’t say anything and monitored everyone’s reaction. I asked the Hubs what he thought. I held back the laughter and wow, was I surprised when he said it was good. Did he really think it was good? Was he just trying to be a nice husband? Or was he simply trying to stay out of trouble???

I’m not sure the Hubs even tried the salad. Aaron did though. How did I know? Well, his eyes nearly bulged out of his head, that’s how! He thought if he had another bite, his tongue might fall off! We then determined that the salad was inedible. It was, in modern day terms, an epic fail.

Here is a dramatic re-enactment of Aaron’s facial expression after trying the tomato and cucumber salad.
My tomato and cucumber salad now tops the list of WWSD – world’s worst side dish. Have you ever made something so hideously horrible it lives on in infamy? Let me know, I need a good laugh!

Signs, signs, everywhere a sign

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Our family has a tradition we have enjoyed for years. Whenever we find a business or a sign which has one of our names, we will stop whatever we are doing and take a picture in front of that sign.

I’m not sure when we started it but I’m always on the lookout.

sc0174ed77All across the fruited plain, if I spot one of our names, I grab the camera and capture the moment. Yes, it has annoyed “certain” family members but that doesn’t stop me.

Join me on a trip through Memory Lane…

We took these pictures during a camping trip through Maine and Pennsylvania. We will never forget the time spent in our pop-up in Freeport and Bar Harbor, Maine.

When the Hubs and I returned to Maine for our 20 wedding anniversary, I just had to stop by this street sign!p1000059

During A-Day weekend, I stretched the rules a bit and had Ike stand by this sign since it was made just for him. For your information, yes, Isaac was really excited to do this-NOT!r-dayandafter210

And then, despite a broken foot, I prodded the Hubs to make a weird turn on a busy street just so I could hop out of the car and get this picture of my mom and I in front of this restaurant in New York!

Of course, I also couldn’t pass up this sign near Philadelphia when we went to see Nate and the Army/Navy game.dec2008011

This summer in Raleigh, Ike paused for a photo-op at his hip-hop store in Raleigh. Who would have thought that a freckle-faced, orange haired 12 year white kid could be so enterprising and multi-cultural?

p1080927p1090438And wow, how cool to see that Isaac has branched out and now has a store in downtown Wilmington! You’ve got to check out Isaac’s hats and suit selection! Stop in and see for yourself!

As we were returning back to our condo, despite a threatening thunderstorm, complete with dramatic bolts of lightning, I made Aaron stand by this sign.p1090474

And I guess we got our oldest OS on a good day because after miniature golfing at Carolina Beach, I was able to successfully coax this pose in front of THIS sign!

For days I had been begging for a picture and when he finally said yes, I leapt in the Equinox for joy! You gotta love it!p1090529

What are some of your family traditions? I’m always looking for new things to make memories and create family identity.

My New Job

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Well I wasn’t going to be looking for a new job, that is until

YESTERDAY!

I was minding my own business at Carolina Beach, just waiting for my food order. I began reading Beach Buzz and an ad grabbed my attention. It spoke to an undiscovered part of
me. You know I like making things but I never imagined this.

I have been working in the non-profit industry for nearly eight years but now I’m ready to bring in some cold, hard cash making…

LAMPS
And not just regular lamps, friends.

I’m gonna make SQUIRREL LAMPS!!!

And I know the first squirrel I can use. It’s the one Ike took a picture of several weeks ago. A lounging squirrel lamp would be perfect in someone’s living room.


Our neighbors recently had a 25 pound snapping turtle on their lawn. Our neighbor was so freaked out about it, he knocked on our door and the hubs lugged it back to the pond. It jumped and did its customary snapping thing at the hubs. Next time it comes ’round here, I’m going to have the hubs capture it and I can work on making a snapping turtle lamp for a deserving soul.

I just can’t contain myself, this is gonna be good!

Questions:

1. I’m not sure a fee structure so how much do you think I should charge? (Hint: if I were you, I’d put your order in early before my prices go up.)

2. If you could make a lamp out of any animal in the world, what would it be?

3. How much would you pay for a squirrel lamp?

But wait, what is this??? Have I been punked?

NOOOOOO!

Good things come in small packages

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This was a new one for me. I opened the mailbox and found a small package inside. Upon inspecting the label, I recognized my oldest OS’s handwriting. “Why how nice of Nate to send us a little package. What a thoughtful guy! Awww.” He hadn’t mentioned anything to me about this during our many telephone conversations so it was a special treat.

Then I read the back of the package and learned that my OS graciously sent us…(insert dramatic music)

Applesauce

And not just any applesauce, dear friends. CARBOHYDRATE ENHANCED APPLE SAUCE


And who’s the fine maker of CARBOHYDRATE ENHANCED APPLESAUCE??? It is compliments of the United States Army, thank you very much.

Nate sent his beloved family Army-issue MRE (meals ready to eat) applesauce – just rip open the pouch and squirt contents in your mouth. Slap yo mama good! NOT! Per my Soldier, it’s utterly horrible.

No one knows why some of the MREs have postage. He thought sending us applesauce would be awkward. I concur. But thank you Jesus he didn’t send us the “veggie omelet!” According to Nate, “It’s the nastiest thing ever. I don’t even think it’s real. It’s just a nasty, egg-white thing that you could literally slurp out of a straw.” Ew! I hate gelatinous things even more after hearing that!

Sometimes while out on the field, squad leaders randomly hand out the MREs. You can get something good or something “inhuman.” Occasionally, Nate has heard some of the guys yell, “Oh #%@$!” That means they got the dreaded omelet.

Back to the CARBOHYDRATE ENHANCED APPLESAUCE...why I can just see your mouths drooling with slobber. I know you’re jealous. How many moms get their sons to send them anything, let alone applesauce? Such is the life of a mama of three sons – one of whom will be a Cadet Corporal in just a few days!

Loving it!

Isaac’s sweet potato times

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When your big brother attends West Point and is at Fort Knox shooting a 68 ton Abrams tank and your middle brother is in Guatemala witnessing miracles and doing evangelical street dramas, a freckle-faced, orange haired, 12 year old kid has some major pressure on him. What can he do to make his summer fun-filled and exciting? Who can help him create memories to last a lifetime?


Answer: All you need are some giant sweet potatoes and a very silly mama

Thankfully Ike had both of these things readily available on a recent July afternoon. With my trusty digital camera on hand, Ike and I transformed an otherwise ho-hum July afternoon into a fairly weird occasion. We took some ordinary, ok, not so ordinary sweet potatoes and decided to make our own summer memories. Here are the results


So check your pantry, people and see what treasures await your family! Or go to your local farmer’s market and find the funkiest fruit or grotesquely shaped veggie out there. Buy it before some other mother snatches it out of your hands and then start taking pictures and let your creativity loose.

A boy, a summer and two sweet potatoes

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Take one mom, a 12 year old son and two sweet po- tatoes and whad- dya get? These strange and awkward pictures…


It was Sunday and we made our usual trek to the farmer’s market. I’m going to the local farmer’s market so often, I recently was shocked to notice how chilly it is in regular grocery stores! But at the farmer’s market, virtually all the food I purchase is room temperature (at least until things really heat up around here.)
And in addition to buying this amazing goat cheese, green lettuce and other treasures, (I have a good supply of beets, thank goodness!) we bought a trusty stash of Beauregard sweet potatoes. As usual, our family likes to pick out the funny shaped tubers because well, we like to laugh while preparing and eating our food. There are some very hilarious shapes, let me tell you ~ especially if you are the mom of three OS!


We purchased these big fellas complete with our standard sweet potato chuckles. When we got home and it was time to get dinner ready, I asked my trusty sidekick, my little orange-haired OS, Isaac to help me. We stoked up the grill but before we put those suckers on the hot coals, I used my creative genius, (yes I said genius) and took these pictures.

I am the proud mama of a Soldier, a fella heading out to Guatemala to serve Jesus for two weeks and now, at long last, I am the mama of a…

spud muffin



So next time you have your pre- teen child nearby and some healthy food around, don’t forget the camera! Duh!