Category Archives: funny

A creepy love letter to…beets

4 Comments

Dear Beets,


I love you! I’m not even sure where to begin. When we first met, I was just a kid. You were in a jar and Mom put you on my plate. You often sat next to the roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy which I swirled all together because
 tasted so good. Your bright purple color intrigued me and well, one thing led to another and soon, you were headed down my digestive tract.


Throughout my childhood, you were always there, beets. But then I entered adolescence and I’m sorry to say, we went our different ways. I found boys and fast food and I didn’t have time for the healthy things in life. Please forgive me. 

The crazy college days had me experimenting with a lot of different stuff. It’s there that I tried brussels sprouts and acorn squash. When I went away my junior year in college to France, I must admit, beets, you were far from my mind. I brazenly tried avocados and clams (but never together) and many other things, I’m too ashamed to mention.

It’s been a long time but beets, I never forgot you. All these years, I was impetuously always looking for something to satisfy me…like chocolate, family and friends. Where was my head, oh you beloved biennial Eurasian plant with a swollen edible root?

And then I read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver and decided it was time to try and eat fresh, locally grown foods as often as possible.  I went to the Farmer’s Market and I walked by you. You were just sitting there next to the nice lady who was working the booth, with her pack of cigarettes mere inches from your beautiful leaves. And one look is all it took and again, I was smitten. My fondness for you begin to rekindle and I was like a schoolgirl as I purchased my first bunch of baby beets. 

Now I’m a wife and a mom! Can you believe it! How time has passed! And I am more mature and stable, you’ll be happy to know. Even so, I do get a little wild, sometimes and have tossed you raw into my salads and recently began roasting you. You’re just as tangy and packed with nutrients as ever! Your vivid colors still make me smile! 😉 😉 🙂 


And what is this that I’ve been reading about you? The New York Times is calling you the “new spinach???“ All I can say is “Congratulations, my friend! You
 deserve it!” I wish the whole world understood what you are and how much of a difference you can make in a person’s life! Perhaps one of my missions in life is to tell the world about you! (jazz hands!) 


From now on, beets, I’m not going anywhere. You are in my life to stay. No more straying and acting like you aren’t important. You are, beets! You are! 

So here I am, spilling the beans, letting the whole stinkin‘ world know this – I LOVE BEETS!

Forever  yours,
Me
PS. This letter was creepily wayyyyyyy too easy to write…

Sixth Grade Awkwardness

4 Comments

It is not easy being a sixth grader. Your body is changing, other people’s bodies are changing. You’ve got your girl drama and although most people don’t believe it, you’ve got boy drama too. I should know as the mama of three sons. Sometimes your nose is outgrowing the rest of your body, an occasional blemish will show up unexpectedly to your horror, I bet we all are glad to be over and done with sixth grade, right? 


My youngest OS is a little sixth grader who is looking forward to school today. He normally simply tolerates school. My bookends, the oldest and the youngest OS, are certainly different from one another. Nate’s at West Point, doing extremely well in every aspect. Ike’s in middle school. He has to work hard to maintain good grades and would much rather be on a basketball court or at a friend’s house. Poor Isaac, his dumb parents stress the importance of education so he has no choice but to do homework and keep learning. Woe is he. 

Today is an extra special day because in Science class, they are going to suture a pig’s foot. They are studying skin disorders and a special guest, Dr. Saad will show the sixth graders how to do it. Ike’s teacher, Mrs. Hamo thinks that the students are mature enough to handle this. Ike thinks otherwise. Although he is confident he has the intestinal fortitude to handle the procedure. “If it were a liver or something, that would be disgusting,” he commented to me just before leaving for school, Ike has heard that people have passed out AND thrown up in the past. I can’t wait to hear about all the theatrics quite honestly. 

Ike stated that suturing a pig’s foot will definitely be a step above one of the most recent lessons in Mrs. Hamo’s Science class.  Again, the class was studying skin but this time they learned about…are you ready? Do you think you can handle this? Are you sure? Ok, it was on…(begin rolling eyes)…mammary glands. 

Did you know that mammary glands are only found in females? True! Ike said he didn’t necessarily know that helpful fact but I think my 12 year old could have lived a LONG time without that piece of knowledge. Apparently he wasn’t alone because the entire class erupted into laughter. Can you say AWKWARD!

Why, I can still fondly recall the special assembly at Jefferson Junior High in Naperville, Illinois. No boys were allowed. It was just for girls  and we watched a movie in the gym. It was about menstruation and I seriously wanted to die. If my memory serves me right, I think there was a girl riding on a horse and after that, everything was a blur. She seemed so happy even on her period. “Kill me. Kill me, now,” I desperately pleaded as I sat on the aluminum folding chair. 

I’ll let you know how Ike handles today and I suppose I won’t be able to use actual names in the post though for fear of even more sixth grade troubles. 

Does anyone else have a special middle school memory that just won’t leave your mind no matter how hard you try? 

Homage to our friend, the stomach

4 Comments

I could blog about the weird dream I had this morning involving me in college where I lived in a dorm building and there was this elevator and for some reason, never explained in a dream sequence, a glass roof was installed in the dormitory building at my college which was poorly constructed with a one-inch gap between the elevator and my dorm room floor and then, out of nowhere, my stepfather magically appears. In the dream, my dorm room was on the top floor and therefore I could see lightning strikes and I wasn’t sure if I could deal with those living conditions. As someone who is afraid of heights, I spent most of the dream terrified about how to negotiate the one-inch gap between the safety of the elevator and the security of the floor and I’m still thinking about it! I awakened this morning scared and in need of a hug which my husband gladly supplied. What the heck did any of that mean? No clue!

OR I could blog about how I visited five medical office buildings today and how my mom’s wrist is doing better following surgery but now she has pneumonia; how my son has a cold/allergies and that there is a good chance I have a micro-fracture on my stupid tooth and might need a crown. 

But instead I’d rather tell you about the best brochure I’ve ever seen about an organ in the digestive system, the stomach. 

And I’d like to brag about the creator of this amazing brochure, my youngest OS, Isaac.


In his sixth grade English class, the students had to create a travel brochure for any part of the digestive tract they had recently studied. Among the choices, Ike could select the esophagus, the stomach, the liver, the mouth, the gall bladder, the small intestine, the large intestine and let us not forget, the anus. (I never thought I’d be writing that word on my blog!) Remind me to tell you something about that word in a minute. But my little, orange-haired OS knew instantly what body part he was going to pick = the stomach. I think this might have been his favorite homework assignment ever and he attacked this project with vigor.

This brochure was so good, I think it should be at every internist’s office. The headline was:

The Stomach – if you like getting dirty and slimy, come have some fun with us!

You open the tri-fold brochure and inside you see an “illustration” of the stomach. Isaac’s teacher thought the diagram was kind of weird because there is no face on the drawing. She said usually you have a face but apparently Ike wanted all eyes on the stomach. I think it worked quite nicely. 

Continue reading the contents of this stomach travel brochure and learn about:

Imports and Exports  – 

Favorite line in this paragraph, “There is only one way into the stomach and two ways out.” All-righty then…

Accomodations – You can stay in one of the best hotels ever, it is called the Stomach Hotel. This hotel has big beds, big rooms and lots to chow on. You will not be disappointed, trust me!

Dangers – The stomach does have some dangers. If the stomach has a virus  you are likely to be shot out of the stick-like tube and out the mouth. Also if you eat too much you may be thrown up. 


Why should I come here? – Well, if you have had a long week you can come here and enjoy a nice hot tub and be massaged by the best massagers in the stomach called Peristalsis Massagers.

What happens here? – Lots of things happen here. You can get a massage or go in a nice hydrochloric acid hot tub. The possibilities are endless. (I seriously wanted to book a weekend at the Stomach Hotel!) 

If there was any confusion, Ike was gracious enough to include directions in the stomach:

1. Enter the mouth
2. Go down the esophagus for four seconds
3. Then you enter the wonderful stomach

I was delighted to learn that Isaac got a 98%! Yay! There had been no need to pester or prod Isaac to finish this homework and then to see his creativity in high gear and the resulting high marks made me forget that weird nightmare and the rest of my harried day.

Oh, and the thing about that aforementioned word…ahem. Isaac informed me that he had learned that there are actually two sphincters in the human body in class but he didn’t even know the word “sphincter” existed until last year. Ike went bowling with his two older brothers just prior to Nate’s high school graduation. My three awesome OS were enjoying special brother time and at the bowling alley, throwing balls down the lane, when suddenly his oldest brother, the West Point-bound son and role model, Nathan, decided to change Isaac’s name on the electronic score board to “Anal Sphincter.” 

So charming! Let’s all give it up for the Amazing Stomach! Woot! 

A phunny theeng happened while on the way to Bible study…

1 Comment

Yesterday while driving my son to a teen Bible study, we got stuck in traffic. Just down the street from our house, there had been a terrible accident. Sirens were blaring and it sounded like the entire town’s emergency response teams were in motion.


The police had created an alternate route and Aaron and I joined the long line of cars filling the street. I saw a traffic sign blinking information and wondered if the signs mentioned anything about the accident. I began reading the sign but became confused. I have been reading for a really long time and have an extensive vocab but I couldn’t figure it out. It’s not because I’m stupido either, folks. Heck, I even taught myself to read before I started kindergarten. I started with the Dr. Seuss Cat in the Hat Dictionary and it’s been uphill since then. But still the sign didn’t make any sense. 

So I was reading the traffic sign and this is what it said. 

ROAD CONSTRUCTION BEINGS  – huh???


Thank goodness I had my camera in my car. I had brought it with me because I had a dentist and a doctor appointment and anticipated some bloggable moments. Praise the Lord, I had no worthwhile bloggable moments, glory!

What is a road construction being? Is it a monster like a King Kong? Should we be evacuating the area immediately! YIKES! Run for your life!

But since I am an avid collector of typos, (I have collected them from several countries, thank you very much) I told Aaron, “Quick, get the camera and take a picture!” Aaron took a picture but I didn’t think it was a good enough shot so I did what a fine purveyor of typos does. I did a quick U-turn so we could get back in the traffic to take another one. 

Don’t you think this picture is much better? 


Can I give you a piece of advice? If your middle OS is going to a teen Bible study and he is worried about getting there on time, just know it will tick him off if you turn the car around just to get a picture of a typo. For a short period of time, you will experience tension but he will get over it, especially if you get him there on time. Just a helpful little FYI. Consider that my public service announcement for the day. 
Well, I have to go now. My mom is out of surgery, her wrist has been fixed. I’m sure I’ll have more typos to share in the future…

Adventures in Babysitting, Part One

4 Comments

I warned them the minute I walked through the door. “If any of you here do anything crazy or cute, I WILL blog about it!” I have been blogging for a while so my family knows I mean business. I’m always on high alert looking for a bloggable moment. Armed with my computer and my camera, I was ready and my subjects were willing participants as you will soon see.


This morning I got to babysit my two darling nephews and my mother. My mother broke her wrist very badly on Saturday and will need surgery on Tuesday. She is pitiful, quite honestly and needs some supervision right now because there’s not a lot she can do by herself. While awaiting surgery, she is convalescing at my sister’s. So since Mimi aka Grandma’s unable to care for the boys on her own, I volunteered to watch the kids so my pregnant sister and her husband could go to her doctor appointment. 

I would not say I am a natural when it comes to babysitting but this aunt stuff is money (you will recall from a previous post, money means “good.”) I didn’t get paid in money but in laughs, snuggles and a poopy diaper. It was strange but appropriate “currency.”

I have a lot more to post but since I’m trying to learn iMovie, I thought I’d give a stab at making a little film about my time. Hope you enjoy, I sure did! 

The Jenga Challenge

3 Comments

I’m not sure why this happened. I don’t consider myself a negligent mother. All I did was ask the guys to play a game upstairs. We were having a snow day, the boys needed to thaw out after killing each other with snowballs. Sounds simple enough, right? The boys were playing Jenga and every now and then I’d hear the familiar sounds of toppling Jenga blocks. 

But while in the kitchen, I thought I saw a blurry image of a child darting to the front door. The next thing I heard was laughter and then two children, more specifically two of MY children, shutting the front door and coming back inside. Hmmm… 


It’s then that I learned about the Jenga Challenge. The boys weren’t merely playing an innocent game of Jenga in the tv room. They were scheming and the game of Jenga had VERY high stakes. The loser of Jenga wouldn’t just face the humiliation of defeat indoors, he would have to face the brutal weather outside as well. I was completely ignorant of this diabolical plan. If you haven’t yet, take a moment and watch this little video. 

After filming this video and showing it to me, about an hour later, the “loser” of this video announced to me that he really wasn’t feeling well. He has been in bed ever since. 

My favorite line is when Isaac, the victor, exclaims through his giggles, “Quickly, before Mom sees!”

I guess it was fun while it lasted, huh? 

Mrs. Davis gets a Snuggie

13 Comments

Aaron and his study buddy Brianna were prepar- ing for an up- coming test. I was in the kitchen minding my own business. Making a delicious and nutritious dinner while simultaneously listening to their conversation, you know, the things all good mommies should do. 

There was a break in their conversation when I overheard Aaron mention to Brianna, “Did you know it’s Mrs. Davis’ birthday tomorrow?” I can’t explain what happened next but in less than 10 minutes something really weird happened. On an impulse, I offered to make Mrs. Davis a birthday present.  I’m also not sure why I didn’t just volunteer to make a pretty card but for whatever reason, I offered to make Mrs. Davis a snuggie! That’s right, you heard it, I offered to make Mrs. Davis a snuggie!

Now I have never made a snuggie before but thanks to a quick google search, I found a free on-line pattern. Here it is for you if your son’s Spanish teacher needs a snuggie. It looked really easy! Mrs. Davis was going to love her snuggie, I knew that deep within my soul.  It would make her part of American pop culture and oh so snuggly. As we all know, snuggies are the latest craze. I crack up every time I see the commercial, doesn’t everyone? I realized the popularity of the snuggie when one day, while having sushi with my husband, I saw a group of teenagers at the Walgreens walking out with a snuggie apiece. That’s how I knew snuggies were da bomb. Here is a YouTube video about the snuggie. Please take a moment to
enjoy. 


With no time to waste, I set to work on the snuggie immediately. Because I am a fabric fiend, I have quite a stash of material just waiting for a project. I knew immediately what material would make the perfect snuggie. Three yards of blue and green circles made of fleece. Oh yes, Mrs. Davis would look fantastic reading a book on the couch in her snuggie.

But before I could get it to Mrs. Davis, I needed someone to try it on. Aaron was busy studying, Ike is too small, Nate is at West Point, hmmm, whom could I find? That was when my husband fulfilled his lifelong dream and became a model. A snuggie model.

That man was really workin‘ it! As you can see, the camera loves him. Each way he turned, seemed to capture a new dimension to his personality.

We have here the pensive look.

This is the “I see dead people” look.


If Jesus wore a snuggie, I’m pretty sure he’d look like this.

We have coined this picture, the “Do I look chubby in this? shot.

It was sad the morning that Aaron dressed up on Spirit Day as Mr. Grumpy Box of Crayons and gave the snuggie to its new, rightful owner Mrs. Davis. The diminutive Spanish teacher’s mouth dropped open when Aaron stood and presented her with the much unexpected gift! 

She told her students that when her own kids stopped by for a visit, she modeled the snuggie and even took pictures of herself in the poses of the people in the snuggie commercial. 

Let’s hope she didn’t try and imitate the pictures we took of my DH because no one can look as good as my man in a snuggie. 

Men in Tights, Men in Black

1 Comment

Now we’re back to our regular school uniforms and I admit I am both relieved that Spirit Week is over and nostalgic about the fun times we enjoyed.


Aaron’s class had Black-Out Day. I wasn’t ecstatic about the theme since it seems dark (duh, it’s black!) and gothic but then Aaron wanted to know if I had any black tights and suddenly Black-Out Day sounded more weird than anything else. My OS would have killed me if I had taken some pics but you should have seen him trying on my stockings. At first he tried on a pair of black nylons. “How can anyone wear these things!” he groaned. 

When I saw that he was wearing nylons, like the kind I wear with a dress or skirt, I had to intervene. He needed an emergency hosiery alternative so I recommended some black tights. It is strange rifling through my drawers trying to find a hosiery alternative for my teenage son.

I hearken back to the Halloween when my oldest OS was about six years old and dressed up as a spider. He wore my brimmed black hat and to complete the ensemble, I purchased some girls’ spider tights. I didn’t think it was a big deal but he did. It took a lot of convincing but my son who is a now a plebe at the United States Military Academy VERY hesitantly wore them for trick or treating. To my knowledge, he hasn’t worn ladies’ tights/nylons since that day.

Aaron also decided that compression shorts were necessary and I’ll leave it at that. If guys only had a clue how much effort we put into looking good, I think they would be surprised. In addition to covering his shapely legs all in black,  my OS donned a black ski cap, black UnderArmor and smeared black camo make-up over his face. Yes it was creepy, especially when I came to pick him up after school and he continued to wear the ski mask. He was talking normally about his day through the ski mask and it was creeping me out! I had to tell him to take it off just so I could drive.


I am not only the mom of three sons, but I guess I’m the mom of Men in Tights and Men in Black. 

PJ Pants

2 Comments

Now that Ike’s in sixth grade, what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t make him his first pair of custom-designed pajama pants for Spirit Week? 


Answer: I would be the worst mother in the world, that’s whom I’d be! Not saying that YOU are a horrible mom of a middle schooler if you haven’t made a your child custom-designed pajama pants for Spirit Week, I’m only talking about myself! No guilt zone, k?

As I talked with my friend, Michele, we agreed that since our sons are besties, we would make them matching pajamas. Then we considered another one of their good buds and decided to offer to make some for him too. When I suggested to Michele that we could probably crank out maybe even pj pants for two other kids, Michele was quick to use her assertive communication skills and say, “NO!” I am very thankful for her common sense because it preserved both my sanity and our friendship!

After a basketball game, Michele and I took our two boys to one of a sixth grade boys’ favorite stores…JoAnn Fabrics. Oh noooooo, they didn’t feel too awkward looking through all the material! Hungry and tired after the game, we were relieved when when we finally found the perfect material but then discovered there wasn’t enough of it to make three pj pants so guess what we got to do? That’s right…we got to take our tired and starving 12 year boys to their second favorite store…Hancock Fabrics! Try it sometime. If you have a 12 year old son and he complains about having nothing to do, offer to take him to a fabric store and see what happens! So much fun!

Our stomachs were growling and with only 15 minutes before closing time, we all settled on this fabric. It had to be the perfect blend of not too serious so people thought it was lame and not too babyish so people aka the dreaded eighth graders wouldn’t mercilessly mock and shame our sons for the remainder of their lives. That is not the easiest thing to do by the way. Michele and I planned on beginning our sewing project on Saturday and we were going to crank these pj pants out in no time at all…


Famous last words…