Colonoscopy, number three…

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Posted on April 27, 2013

Few people can say, “Best colonoscopy ever!” but I can and I did! As I was wheeled out into the elevator to recover at home, I wanted to shout, “Hey everybody! That was just the best colonoscopy EVER!” but I decided it was more socially acceptable to do it in this manner. Do I want to do this again, HECK NO! Was it fun? Seriously, you didn’t ask that! Read on, I’m keeping it real but not real gross.

After enduring the many indignities related to colonoscopy prep, the time had finally arrived for us to embark on the final leg of this journey.

Feel free to read into the title of this post any nuance in my wording. Number three is fitting. If you don’t get it well then I guess you haven’t had a colonoscopy yet.

13. In an effort to preserve my sense of humor, I took a picture of the absolutely ginormous bathroom in the medical facility where I had my procedure. A large family could easily live there. We live in a hurricane prone area and the restroom alone should be listed as a shelter site. It is very commodious.

14. Although I no longer suffered from any burning emergency (and again, feel free to read into my wordsmithing), I visited the bathroom. No Charmin Freshmates but I bespied this miracle product that should be sold commercially. I had no need for its use but I promptly texted a picture of this to my ministry minded middle to amuse him.

15. I am dreadfully needle-phobic. My experiences with IV’s are quite horrible. Once I endured six months of radial nerve damage in my elbow from an IV. Anxiety grips me long before the “stick.” And once the IV is in, I disassociate my arm from the rest of my body. Please tell me you know someone who does the same thing!

Plus my veins wiggle and nurses complain about the size of them. After two days of expulsion, I doubted there was any kind of liquid left in me. But praise the Lord, and I truly mean it, the nurse was victorious the first attempt. Still, I wanted to just go home and forget about the whole stinking thing.

16. This is me after it’s all said and done. I’m saving the best for last. Just wait until I share with you the nicest part of the entire experience. Few people can say, “Best colonoscopy ever!” but I can and I did! Do I want to do this again, HECK NO! Was it worth it? YES!

Pass this post along to someone you love who needs a colonoscopy. I’m a wimp and if I can do it, anyone can.

Please let me know if this has been helpful to you. I sincerely wanted to share my experience to encourage others.

Five minute Friday – friend

9 Comments

Posted on April 26, 2013

When someone chooses to call me her “friend,” I have to catch my breath. Did she just call me a friend? It blesses one of the most tender places in my heart.

It’s like a badge of honor to move from being someone a person just “knows” to being elevated to friendship status and I’m not talking about getting friended on facebook. If I am introduced to someone, I admit I pay close attention to how they refer to me.

I know someone who competes with others on the amount of facebook friends she has. It is massively annoying. That’s not friendship.

Recently in casual conversation, I discovered a new friend of mine was having a colonoscopy three days before I was going to have mine. We have shared some personal things in the short time we’ve gotten to know each other. It meant a lot that she shared intimate details with me about the procedure.

Writing for five minutes is a treasure. Do it!

To enter that private place with someone and feel safe, to laugh and be encouraged, I received a gift AND a colonoscopy. One (the person) was better than the other (the procedure) but they went well together in a weird sort of way.

I received a text from this woman at 6:30 in the morning the day of my procedure. She was checking on me. I would have assumed she was asleep but early in the morning, she reached out.

Do you have any idea what a sweet comfort it was to ask her the most indelicate questions and feel totally safe? I’m praising God for the many people who call me their friend.

Join us for a writing adventure, click here for the deets.

Colonoscopy, part two

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Posted on April 26, 2013

The colonoscopy prep continued yet I never lost my indomitable sense of humor. That’s not ever going to be flushable. Read on if you dare. I am keeping it real but not real gross.

Admittedly, there were many times I wanted to give up. I wanted to eat, relax, have a reprieve. I had already put it off for a year, why not postpone it a little longer? The only thing that stopped me from ruining the process was the strong desire to not have to do it again anytime in the near future!

7. Since I was restricted to a liquids only fast, I asked the Hubs if he and Ike could not eat in front of me. As picture #7 proves, this worked until I spotted him with a bowl of cereal. Since his colonoscopy is next Thursday. I might grill a steak the night before to give him a dose of his own medicine.

8. Ironically, though things were flying and that’s putting it mildly, at 7:47pm, my ability to leave the bathroom for more than 10 seconds was realized. Someone on Survivor ate a bite of pig brains and I contemplated the contestants’ bodily functions in between experiencing my own. “Wow, they must have a lot of diarrhea and other intestinal issues,” I mused in empathy.

9. Following a worthless night of sleep, I chugged another 16 oz. of the solution and swigged an additional 32 oz. of water.

10. Chills went up my spine and I braced for the next round of activity around 6:26 in the morning. A friend sent me a text telling me she was praying for me and we shared another bowel bonding moment.

“I’m not having a colonoscopy in the technical sense but I’m back in Ranger School so it’s almost the same thing!”

Weary and irritable. I pondered the fact that my Soldier had begun Ranger School that EXACT SAME morning. When I had informed Nate of my colonoscopy, we had chuckled a few days prior. “Mom, basically I’m going to be having the same thing done to me on that day!” Oh how I love that kid!

11. Back to those Charmin Freshmates. Truly a Godsend. During my experience, I wondered if I might go through the entire box. When feelings of guilt or indulgence came my way, I told myself I deserved such extravagance. On this morning, Charmin Freshmates were the equivalent of me eating a bowl of slightly melted vanilla bean ice cream with salted caramel sauce enjoyed with an unsticky spoon and that’s saying quite a lot!

12. Then everything settled down at 8:40am. You don’t realize how full of it you are, until you aren’t. I had no more to give and I’ll spare you the biological details.

I’m proud of me for taking care of myself! Send this post to a loved one who needs a colonoscopy. They can do it!

Colonoscopy, keeping it real but not real gross, part one

9 Comments

Posted on April 25, 2013

If you have reached the half-century mark, congratulations! The good news is that you are considered to be a person of greater wisdom; bad news, soon you will find yourself at the proctologist scheduling a colonoscopy.

How do I know? Well today I had a colonoscopy. Now I’m going to blog about it. You who are weak in stomach might want to move right along. I will be discerning about the experience. My sincere desire is to keep it real but not real gross. As unpleasant as it is, (and it is), you gotta do it. Join me on this journey, feel free to share with anyone you know who needs to schedule this rite of passage.

Here’s how things “went.”

1. The Hubs and I went to the grocery story the night before. A strange date night to be sure, but I needed the emotional support of his company. Together we bought hard candy, lime popsicles, coconut water, organic white grape juice and the finest toilet paper money can buy. My orange hair, freckle face olive shoot was threatened within an inch of his life if he even tried to get one square of the hygienic items we had scored. (The Hubs is getting his colonoscopy NEXT Thursday!).

2. The day prior to the procedure, I refrained from eating any solids and any red or purple items. A moment of panic ensued when I realized I had some watermelon and grape Jolly Ranchers. I was grouchy and anxious throughout the day. The Lord kept reminding me, “Girl, you are blessed. You have insurance, you have the ability to do this and I’m right by your side including your backside.” Resolutely, at 5:51, the night before the procedure I chugged the first bottle of solution in record time. BLECH.

3. Per directions, I drank 32 oz. of additional water. The solution tastes like really bad cherry cough syrup and salt. I choked back throwing up. ADVICE – REFRIGERATE THE STUFF, it tastes nasty but not as nasty as it would if it were room temperature!

4. Thankfully we also bought one of the finest items in the grocery aisle, Charmin Freshmates. I would gladly do a commercial about this ingenious product and if I knew a friend were having a colonoscopy, I’d give it as a gift, they’re that wonderful. I can’t say enough about Charmin Freshmates and yes I am now a die-hard fan.

5. About nine minutes later, it became quite clear that the solution was “effective.” ADVICE – HAVE ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES WELL CHARGED, you will have time to check everyone’s facebook status, Instagram and social media you even remotely know. There will not be time to run and get these electronic items, have them in the bathroom.

With a brief reprieve, I reviewed the doctor’s orders. I didn’t want to goof this thing up. At this point, I was hungry, tired and praising Jesus for those Charmin Freshmates.

Btw, I’m proud of myself, this wasn’t easy to do but sometimes you gotta go, you gotta do it.

Five Minute Friday – beloved

6 Comments

Posted on February 15, 2013

If you love to write and have five minutes, you really should try this!

Recently a strange set of circumstances presented themselves to my ministry-minded middle.

It’s hard to believe I’m going to even associate the word “beloved” with this post

It was evil

wicked

deceptive

sinister

Those words describe the circumstance since I no longer cuss. Trust me, a few other words come to mind but I will refrain. It hasn’t been easy.

But as I have prayed, cried out and petitioned the Lord, “WHY? How could this crazy thing happen?” God has reassured me, (the fretting, despondent mama miles away from her boy) that Aaron acted in authority and spiritual confidence. Because he is one of God’s beloved, my son responded in a strong and manly fashion. He was never fearful and possessed righteous anger over the incident.

To me, the word “beloved” doesn’t sound very masculine yet it is a beautiful word for believers suitable for use with both genders. The Enemy tried to throw fiery darts my son’s way but he was unsuccessful.

Take that, you jerk.

Jesus thwarted the plans of the Evil One because Aaron is a beloved child not only to me but to the Lord.

I love someone in Chicago.

A Valentine’s Day divine appointment

12 Comments

Posted on February 14, 2013

I waited patiently for my friend to arrive.

But she didn’t

because I had the wrong day.

I took a selfie and sent it to my son. I had no idea that soon I would be having a very beautiful conversation! I was being silly and carefree!

So I sat alone at the restaurant

on Valentine’s Day

wanting to reassure everyone that people do love me, they’re just not here right now…

With little battery power left on my iPhone

I pull out my little journal

The one that I’ve been drawing in

And I grab a pencil and soon some images appear on the paper.

The owner of the restaurant walks by and stops.

He asks me how I like the food.

It was delicious!

What I was working on moments before the man started speaking to me.

And then he asks me what I am doing.

“Are you a poet?” he inquires.

“No, these are words from the Bible” I reply.

“You study the Bible?” his Lebanese accent as flavorful as his cuisine.

I thought I was meeting my friend for lunch –

but now I’m making a friend.

“My priest tells me about Jesus. I go to church. I think what you are doing is very good thing. I have questions. I think my priest makes God sound like a monster. He says things I don’t understand.”

He seems convinced that I am a student. It’s hard for him to believe that I’m a regular person. I tell him I read the Bible every day. I study but I’m not a student. Jesus is very real in my life.

Tucked away in this restaurant, I begin to tell him some of my story. “One day I began reading the Bible for myself. I read from a Study Bible and started in the New Testament. It changed my life. I was never the same. That is a good thing.”

His face is quizzical. We both seem confused about what is happening. Neither of us expected this conversation.

I feel a little embarrassed because I’m not an artist and these aren’t my words.

“Whom have I in heaven but you?” he repeats Psalm 73:25 aloud.

He pauses, I slowly turn a few pages and he says kind things. He tells me it is beautiful. I’m ready to cry.

He asks me if he can get me anything and I touch his elbow and tell him he has already given me so much. I thank him, he turns away. We smile and I tell him, “Bless you.”

I think this man might just start to read the Bible. Maybe God is tugging on his tender heart. I will never know the answer but that’s how it felt within me. The mustachioed man didn’t know that hours before coming to his restaurant, I was walking and praying. “Heavenly Father, if it pleases you, open up opportunities for my life and abilities to honor you.”

God gave me a special Valentine’s Day gift today. I brought my best Friend with me today even though I appeared to be alone. And I did meet a friend after all.

My husband, my muse, my valentine

Fingers be doing funky things

Hearing God even when I don’t understand

2 Comments

Posted on February 9, 2013

It still amazes me to read some verses in the Bible which don’t seem to have any relevance to my life and then literally, minutes later, my circumstances change and there I am screaming in my soul, “Lord, you are real! You speak to me in my secret heart!” May I never grow tired of these encounters with my ever-present, 100% dependable God!

But I am slow to learn and can be a skeptic when it comes to this invisible yet all-knowing God I worship.

A recent event has brought to mind a time when the Lord showed me how important it is for me to stay in His Word.

Enter my time machine, if you please. (Vaporous, non-toxic smoke appears briefly). Do not be afraid.

Three absolutely adorable olive shoots who got a mama who will bust your behind if you mess with them. Thank you.

About 10 years ago, I decided to read the entire Bible in one year. Each day had about 20 minutes total time reading verses from the Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs. I highly recommend doing this if you have never read the Bible from cover to cover for yourself.

Proverbs 7 from one of my most used Bibles.

Well, one afternoon I read some Bible verses that didn’t especially resonate with me. My day moved along per usual.

But then hours later, the phone rang.

It was a girl.

Calling not for my husband

but for my oldest olive shoot.

I had been reading Proverbs 7 – Seriously, read it if you are the mama of sons! Click here to read it!

Nate hung the phone up shortly afterward and I learned this girl had called with a few questions.

I was wearing my fluffy white robe and watching Crocodile Hunter at the time. Strange the things you remember when your world is about to get rocked.

She had asked if my son and his friend would go with her and her friend to the movies. And one more thing, could he also not tell his parents about it?

Instantly, the Bible verses I had only briefly considered came leaping into the forefront! Seriously??? The kid was in middle school! A clandestine meeting with a girl ain’t gonna happen on my watch!

Ok, darkness, I see you. Commence to stepping before it’s too late.

Not only did Nathan not go but we had him call the girl, decline her offer and then explain that HE wasn’t comfortable with her putting him in that position. He spoke gently to her giving her more respect than she had given herself. The girl never called again and continued to make poor choices.

Here I was thinking God’s Word was somehow not pertinent to me and like a dash of hot pepper sauce, a BAM came down from the heavens!

The same thing happened to me on Friday. I hastily did my daily reading after an eventful day which included taking my husband to the hospital among other things. (They thought he had damaged his spleen! He didn’t!).

I contemplated a chapter from an obscure book of the Bible (which I need to refrain from mentioning). It’s part of the 21 Day YouVersion challenge.

And then the phone rang.

Suddenly,

sadly,

strangely,

the words that didn’t apply –

did…

“Crud muffins,” I mutter to myself.

“Praise you, O God.” I also declare.

Today I wait expectantly for the truths I shall find and probably need sooner than I think.

If someone tells you the Bible is an ancient and irrelevant read,

or that God can’t actually speak to his people,

should they announce that His Word can’t help people in their present situation or their future,

send them my way.

Five Minute Friday – Cherish

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Posted on January 18, 2013

You have five minutes to write, join us and feel the spirit move! Check it out here!

About 10 years ago, the Lord placed a deep longing in my heart. My boys were entering stages in life where their voices were changing, pimples were rearing their nasty blackheads, muscles were growing, I could see girls were checking them out as if they were tasty bits of candy.

God has used my story to speak into my sons’ lives. I never would have expected anything good to come out of my regretful decisions but thankfully I AM NOT GOD!

I wanted to give them a vision about sex that I had never properly learned. As a result, I squandered that gift from God time and time again. When I looked at my guys, I saw their potential and power and the fact that I forsook this treasure during my formative years.

Was it possible to teach my olive shoots a better way? Could I even dare to suggest (along with the Hubs) that our boys, virile and mighty, wait to have sex until they were married? It’s in the Bible and all but could we have the audacity to encourage them that to realize that their bodies were to be cherished? I mean, they are guys after all!

I have often inquired of the Lord why did He only give my sons to raise? His replies are deep and personal but one of them that I wish to share with you is that Jesus gave me a responsibility. He has said, “Teach those guys about Me. Train them up with everything you’ve got! Teach your olive shoots that every single part of them is worthy. Instruct them in my ways even if they are counter-culture and difficult. ”

I really hope I don’t get killed for posting this picture! They still have tender hearts and strong muscles.

Treasure God’s Word, orange hair, freckle face olive shoot.

As I contemplate the word “cherish” as it applies to talking about this sensitive subject, I feel that the Lord is pleased with this aspect of my parenting. They are 22, 18 and 16, so far, so good.

We are not a perfect family. My olive shoots are now 22, 18 and 16 and their paths have a few crooked places but I am blessed to see that they value their purity. They are cherishing something I did not. Bless them, O Lord. Bless them. Amen.

My Awesome Olive Shoots

chronicling a contented life as the mama of three sons

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