Colonoscopy, keeping it real but not real gross, part one

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If you have reached the half-century mark, congratulations! The good news is that you are considered to be a person of greater wisdom; bad news, soon you will find yourself at the proctologist scheduling a colonoscopy.

How do I know? Well today I had a colonoscopy. Now I’m going to blog about it. You who are weak in stomach might want to move right along. I will be discerning about the experience. My sincere desire is to keep it real but not real gross. As unpleasant as it is, (and it is), you gotta do it. Join me on this journey, feel free to share with anyone you know who needs to schedule this rite of passage.

Here's how things "went."

Here’s how things “went.”

1. The Hubs and I went to the grocery story the night before. A strange date night to be sure, but I needed the emotional support of his company. Together we bought hard candy, lime popsicles, coconut water, organic white grape juice and the finest toilet paper money can buy. My orange hair, freckle face olive shoot was threatened within an inch of his life if he even tried to get one square of the hygienic items we had scored. (The Hubs is getting his colonoscopy NEXT Thursday!).

2. The day prior to the procedure, I refrained from eating any solids and any red or purple items. A moment of panic ensued when I realized I had some watermelon and grape Jolly Ranchers. I was grouchy and anxious throughout the day. The Lord kept reminding me, “Girl, you are blessed. You have insurance, you have the ability to do this and I’m right by your side including your backside.” Resolutely, at 5:51, the night before the procedure I chugged the first bottle of solution in record time. BLECH.

3. Per directions, I drank 32 oz. of additional water. The solution tastes like really bad cherry cough syrup and salt. I choked back throwing up. ADVICE – REFRIGERATE THE STUFF, it tastes nasty but not as nasty as it would if it were room temperature!

4. Thankfully we also bought one of the finest items in the grocery aisle, Charmin Freshmates. I would gladly do a commercial about this ingenious product and if I knew a friend were having a colonoscopy, I’d give it as a gift, they’re that wonderful. I can’t say enough about Charmin Freshmates and yes I am now a die-hard fan.

5. About nine minutes later, it became quite clear that the solution was “effective.” ADVICE – HAVE ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES WELL CHARGED, you will have time to check everyone’s facebook status, Instagram and social media you even remotely know. There will not be time to run and get these electronic items, have them in the bathroom.

images-1With a brief reprieve, I reviewed the doctor’s orders. I didn’t want to goof this thing up. At this point, I was hungry, tired and praising Jesus for those Charmin Freshmates.

Btw, I’m proud of myself, this wasn’t easy to do but sometimes you gotta go, you gotta do it.

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9 thoughts on “Colonoscopy, keeping it real but not real gross, part one

  1. Had I known, I’d have shared my “Finger Jello” recipe and other liquid diet tips–maybe I will in a future blog post of my own. These are the kinds of things you pick up as an IBD survivor. I’ve been having endoscopies of one kind or another on a regular basis for the past 24 years.

    The sad thing is, even with all my digestive issues, no one in my family has had a routine colonoscopy. The fact is colon cancer kills, and the very best way to catch it when you have a chance of surviving it is to just do a colonoscopy. It’s one day of discomfort, followed by some really good meds and a lot of piece of mind.

    Thank you for doing this for yourself and for sharing your story.

    • I’d love to hear about your secrets and tricks you’ve picked up. Since the Hubs is having a colonoscopy next Thursday, he might appreciate it. I had to keep reminding myself that although it was unpleasant, it beat having worse problems if I didn’t pay attention to things earlier on. I feel relieved to have this thing off my list for a while, Lord willing. Hope you continue to take care of yourself!

      • Okay, here are my top must-do’s for a liquid diet…

        1. Finger Jello–This jello has a much more dense texture than normal jello that just kind of slides down like thick fruity water. With this, you can actually cut it in squares, take a real BITE and CHEW! It fools my brain into thinking I’m eating more than I really am. Recipe: Mix three small boxes of jello, four packets of unflavored gelatin and four cups of boiling water. Pour it into a 8″ X 8″ pan, cover and refrigerate.

        2. Warm liquids–These tend to make you feel more full than cool ones. I do lots of tea and broth, but I put the broth in a bowl and eat it with a spoon, so I can pretend I’m eating more than I am! It’s all about mind tricks.

        3. Peppermint–Mint is an appetite suppressant, so I chew lots of mint flavored gum, drink mint tea and suck on mint candy.

        4. Blow Pops–Yes, reverting to childhood helps in times like these. I figure if I can’t have anything else I want, I might as well enjoy a favorite lollipop that lasts a long time and has the added bonus of bubble gum at the end.

        There you go. I hope it helps. 🙂

      • Thank you! That is really great advice! I could have used a few of those the other day! I really like #4, those are a special treat and I only eat these when I’m driving long distances but I would have made an exception! I’m going to ask my doctor about these since I’ve only tried them in cherry flavor and you’re not supposed to have anything red (per the instructions I received). Appreciate you sharing!

  2. Ok, I read number three before post one. This is great. You are right you need to have everything well charged ad in he bathroom. I read Roots on my Nook for my second colonoscopy.

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