A Valentine’s Day divine appointment

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I waited patiently for my friend to arrive.

But she didn’t

because I had the wrong day.

I took a selfie and sent it to my son. I had no idea that soon I would be having a very beautiful conversation!

I took a selfie and sent it to my son. I had no idea that soon I would be having a very beautiful conversation! I was being silly and carefree!

So I sat alone at the restaurant

on Valentine’s Day

wanting to reassure everyone that people do love me, they’re just not here right now…

With little battery power left on my iPhone

I pull out my little journal

The one that I’ve been drawing in

And I grab a pencil and soon some images appear on the paper.

The owner of the restaurant walks by and stops.

He asks me how I like the food.

It was delicious!

What I was working on moments before the man started speaking to me.

What I was working on moments before the man started speaking to me.

And then he asks me what I am doing.

“Are you a poet?” he inquires.

“No, these are words from the Bible” I reply.

“You study the Bible?” his Lebanese accent as flavorful as his cuisine.

I thought I was meeting my friend for lunch –

but now I’m making a friend.

“My priest tells me about Jesus. I go to church. I think what you are doing is very good thing. I have questions. I think my priest makes God sound like a monster. He says things I don’t understand.”

He seems convinced that I am a student. It’s hard for him to believe that I’m a regular person. I tell him I read the Bible every day. I study but I’m not a student. Jesus is very real in my life.

Tucked away in this restaurant, I begin to tell him some of my story. “One day I began reading the Bible for myself. I read from a Study Bible and started in the New Testament. It changed my life. I was never the same. That is a good thing.”

His face is quizzical. We both seem confused about what is happening. Neither of us expected this conversation.

I feel a little embarrassed because I’m not an artist and these aren’t my words.

photo copy 9“Whom have I in heaven but you?” he repeats Psalm 73:25 aloud.

He pauses, I slowly turn a few pages and he says kind things. He tells me it is beautiful. I’m ready to cry.

He asks me if he can get me anything and I touch his elbow and tell him he has already given me so much. I thank him, he turns away. We smile and I tell him, “Bless you.”

I think this man might just start to read the Bible. Maybe God is tugging on his tender heart. I will never know the answer but that’s how it felt within me. The mustachioed man didn’t know that hours before coming to his restaurant, I was walking and praying. “Heavenly Father, if it pleases you, open up opportunities for my life and abilities to honor you.”

God gave me a special Valentine’s Day gift today. I brought my best Friend with me today even though I appeared to be alone. And I did meet a friend after all.

Fingers be doing funky things

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I bought a journal while visiting my middle son and I finally decided to start using it. This is a cathartic experience.

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This girl’s name is Free. She has a powerful testimony.

I could clean the kitchen.

I could clean the kitchen.

My fondness of words and letters began as a pre-schooler. I taught myself to read when I traced the letters in my Dr. Seuss Dictionary.

A pen is security and voice for me. Similar in feeling to a bowl of slightly warmed French vanilla ice cream with butterscotch topping preferably with a hint of sea salt, such is the delicious comfort I experience.

Though I am a word person, I’m not a drawing person. I can’t draw. People have called me a writer but NEVER a person who can draw. You would never have me on your team in Pictionary. Seriously.

But then something really unusual started happening a few weeks ago.

I started drawing.

And not just stick figures but actual recognizable images.

Who are these characters that appear on paper?photo copy 8

What is going on with my hands and fingers?

Why am I being drawn, excuse the pun, to spend hours surrounded by ink, colored pencils and pens?

Hey!

Hey!

These images emanate deep from my soul. And from the Bible. My personal story, in part, is being played out. I don’t know where it’s going bu it has become a way to worship the Lord. I think maybe one day a grand-daughter would like these pictures.

As long as I keep my focus on who my ultimate audience is, I can draw.

If I start concerning myself on what others think, I freeze.

My audience is Jesus who is eternal and grandbabies who one day will exist, Lord willing.

Hearing God even when I don’t understand

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It still amazes me to read some verses in the Bible which don’t seem to have any relevance to my life and then literally, minutes later, my circumstances change and there I am screaming in my soul, “Lord, you are real! You speak to me in my secret heart!” May I never grow tired of these encounters with my ever-present, 100% dependable God!

But I am slow to learn and can be a skeptic when it comes to this invisible yet all-knowing God I worship.

A recent event has brought to mind a time when the Lord showed me how important it is for me to stay in His Word.

Enter my time machine, if you please. (Vaporous, non-toxic smoke appears briefly). Do not be afraid.

Three absolutely adorable olive shoots who got a mama who will bust your behind if you mess with them. Thank you.

Three absolutely adorable olive shoots who got a mama who will bust your behind if you mess with them. Thank you.

About 10 years ago, I decided to read the entire Bible in one year. Each day had about 20 minutes total time reading verses from the Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs. I highly recommend doing this if you have never read the Bible from cover to cover for yourself.

Proverbs 7 from one of my most used Bibles.

Proverbs 7 from one of my most used Bibles.

Well, one afternoon I read some Bible verses that didn’t especially resonate with me. My day moved along per usual.

But then hours later, the phone rang.

It was a girl.

Calling not for my husband

but for my oldest olive shoot.

I had been reading Proverbs 7 – Seriously, read it if you are the mama of sons! Click here to read it!

Nate hung the phone up shortly afterward and I learned this girl had called with a few questions.

I was wearing my fluffy white robe and watching Crocodile Hunter at the time. Strange the things you remember when your world is about to get rocked.

She had asked if my son and his friend would go with her and her friend to the movies. And one more thing, could he also not tell his parents about it?

Instantly, the Bible verses I had only briefly considered came leaping into the forefront! Seriously??? The kid was in middle school! A clandestine meeting with a girl ain’t gonna happen on my watch!

Ok, darkness, I see you. Commence to stepping before it's too late.

Ok, darkness, I see you. Commence to stepping before it’s too late.

Not only did Nathan not go but we had him call the girl, decline her offer and then explain that HE wasn’t comfortable with her putting him in that position. He spoke gently to her giving her more respect than she had given herself. The girl never called again and continued to make poor choices.

Here I was thinking God’s Word was somehow not pertinent to me and like a dash of hot pepper sauce, a BAM came down from the heavens!

The same thing happened to me on Friday. I hastily did my daily reading after an eventful day which included taking my husband to the hospital among other things. (They thought he had damaged his spleen! He didn’t!).

I contemplated a chapter from an obscure book of the Bible (which I need to refrain from mentioning). It’s part of the 21 Day YouVersion challenge.

And then the phone rang.

Suddenly,

sadly,

strangely,

the words that didn’t apply –

did…

“Crud muffins,” I mutter to myself.

“Praise you, O God.” I also declare.

Today I wait expectantly for the truths I shall find and probably need sooner than I think.

If someone tells you the Bible is an ancient and irrelevant read,

or that God can’t actually speak to his people,

should they announce that His Word can’t help people in their present situation or their future,

send them my way.

Weird people

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This is cool, join me in this life-changing journey!

This is cool, join me in this life-changing journey!

As I begin the 21-Day Challenge on YouVersion and read the book of Mark (or Marc en francais) in the Bible, I want to occasionally articulate what God is saying to me. I will share bits of the process and encourage you to check out the different Bible reading plans. Maybe one will work for you!

Looking funny
Acting strange
Eating weird stuff

John was clothed in camel’s hair.
He ate wild honey and bugs.
He spent time in the wilderness.

I wonder if he smelled funky too. John led a supernatural, “crunchy” natural life and encountered Jesus personally. In modern days, he could have his own reality show. I would have watched it, that’s for sure.

God uses unusual people for His purposes. He also uses regular people. Sinners, tax collectors, adulterers, murderers became some of the Lord’s redeemed children.

I’m somewhere wedged between the weird and the wild. Former feminist/abortion rights activist, blasphemer, scoffer, mocker aptly describe who I was before Christ came into my heart.

Sitting on a table in France. Just one of the many dumb things I did.

Sitting on a table in France. Just one of the many dumb things I did.

Everything changed in December 1997 when I invited, pleaded with Jesus to enter my sorry soul.

Somedays I

Look funny
Act strange
Eat weird stuff

My cursing days are gone and I have told thousands my story of victory and redemption. Still a HUGE work in progress, I am a new creation because of Christ!

IMG_3493Each day we are to answer questions after reading the assigned Scripture. After reading Mark (Marc) 1:1-8, here’s are my thoughts.

God would have me start doing – Be more attentive to His opinion of me rather than others’ assessments of who I am.

God wants me to stop  – Squandering my time. I need to recognize how the Lord wants greater intimacy with me. He does not speak to me in a distant voice.

As I read the Bible in French (with my English Bible and my French dictionary close by), I notice how the Lord uses the familiar pronoun when speaking to his disciples. He “tutoies” his followers. It’s like when someone uses my favorite childhood nickname when speaking to me. I won’t tell you what this nickname is, you have to know me well enough and you probably don’t, no offense. Most people who use this nickname do not even know how much it blesses me.

Or like when my olive shoots though young men call me “Mommy” or “Mama” and not “Mom.” I feel that they REalLY like me, they know me. I let down my guard, my facade. It’s a sacred place even if we’re laughing and being silly. We have history and are connected. My heart is warm, I want to draw closer.

The Lord is tutoie-ing ME. I’m flattered, humbled, blessed.

What does God want me to continue doing? – Read the Bible in French and English. Note the subtle differences in words. Abide, rest, listen.

This is what I learned in just eight verses of God’s Word in one day. Merci bien Mon Seigneur! Je t’aime!

Sorting and savoring, two graduations, 10 days apart

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Stand up and take a bow. Curtain closes on another chapter.

It’s that let-down feeling you have after everything is said and done.

Your busy plans are complete,

bags are emptied,

things are sort of back in place

and despite a moment of rest,

you are still utterly exhausted and drained.

Your company has left and life is back to normal – that is until your husband has meniscus surgery this Wednesday.

And looking at you and your sassy pink-haired self, no one would know all that’s been going on because you appear to be coping.

But the fact is you are struggling and you (in this case me) wrestle with conflicting emotions.

Clear as mud, huh?

Without getting too personal because blogs like that make me uncomfortable, this is how I’m feeling.

In some strange way, it seems as if nothing happened because so much happened and it’s just too hard to process. It’s postpartum depression minus the baby. I scarce can take it all in.

Two graduations in nine days in two different states is not for the faint of heart.

Of all the stressful things I have done in my life, having those two events so close to each other is wayyyy high up there on the things I wouldn’t choose to repeat.

Both moments were so significant and emotional, there wasn’t time to absorb one without quickly being distracted by the other.

As a result, I’m stunned.

What did we just do?

Where did we just go and come back from (and I don’t even care about the questionable grammar)?

How much money did we spend?

Why am I both full of emotion yet in empty despair?

The denouement of Aaron’s high school graduation and Nate’s graduation from the United States Military Academy needed their own proper time. Kind of like my arthritic right knee, there wasn’t and isn’t any cushion.

After a graduation celebration with some of Nate’s friends and their families, the Hubs and I were driving on Bear Mountain Bridge.

Nate and I after the graduation parade. I really loved that shining brass buckle. Very shiny.

Our tummies were full of delicious food from Foodies and it was early evening.

The United States Military Academy, an outline of the stately concrete structures were off in the distance.

The view called out to my mama’s heart.

Amber lights sparkled from the windows, the Hudson River sat tranquil and tears streamed from my eyes.

Tears are currently streaming from my eyes as I type this, thank you very much.

Cadets are still in these rooms, I thought to myself.

They are busy doing things, I mused, but strangely, my boy is no longer there.

How could that be???  His (and thusly my) 47 month journey had ended just hours before and everyone had seemingly moved on.

Ring Weekend was such a beautiful night! Now it’s all done!

Nate was ready.

I guess I was not.

As the Hubs kept his eyes on the road, I couldn’t help but reach out and grab that little West Point with my fingers.

Between my thumb and my pointer finger, I held West Point there as long as I could before we passed it by.

I can never grasp what this place has meant to my OS or to me.

I can find reasons to return to West Point but none will be for my boy as a plebe, yuk, cow or firstie.

The pangs of this reality sting and confuse.

He loved that place.

He hated it.

It was so far away.

I loved coming there.

What tumult of spirit!

No sooner had Nate graduated from USMA, then he bolted from Michie Stadium along with nearly 1000 other newly commissioned officers and finished turning in all their stuff.

There wasn’t any sentiment in the departure and it reminded me of the 90 second goodbye we had been issued on R-Day, that never to be forgotten day.

No built-in cushion there that’s for sure.

Pride, humility, loss, gain, and so much more jumble inside.

I expect to be working through these experiences and emotions for quite some time because that’s what a mama does, right?

My boy, that uniform, what memories

I’d love to hear from you if you can relate. West Point mom or not, you might empathize. Thanks for listening…

My boy, that uniform, what memories

West Point graduation touchstone moments

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Pictured here are the freckle face, orange hair ginger, the Hubs, the Officer just after we pinned the bars on his uniform, the weepy proud mama, the grandpa and the ministry-bound middle brother.

This is not a glamour shot.

We are an imperfect bunch.
But we love each other.
And when not focusing on our own personal comforts which is often difficult for most people including myself and those in my clan.
We reach deep down inside and demonstrate support and care.

And this is what my oldest OS deserved on HIS day.
Not telling Nate how exhausted and hot we were (because I do not believe there are sufficient words and he was surely tired and sweaty!)
But rather standing next to our Soldier physically, emotionally and spiritually.
As he graduated from the United States Military Academy.

It was a privilege and an honor.
And if someone would have handed me a mirror,
And lipstick,
And some haircare products,
Or offered me a shower to freshen up,

It was only after taking the picture, I realized that we were all touching each other.

You know, because an important picture was going to be taken,

I would have said no

And continued to hold my son’s hand.
Unconcerned about appearance,
Shedding tears of pride.

No other place could I have been
Then next to Nate and surrounded by those who love him most.

Making memories for a lifetime,
This perspiring, imperfect collection of people
Honored a man of integrity
Whom the Lord gave me for such a time as this
And I am richly, profoundly blessed to call him (and all those in this picture) my own.

Senior table – the final product

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Creating unconditional love on cardboard, as if that’s possible

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Creating a senior table for him was an act of love.

Wednesday night, on the eve of high school graduation, moms and dads filled the gymnasium for a shining gesture. With Herculean effort, we decorated senior tables for our offspring. I know because I was among those parents attempting, in some impossible way to contain love on a 30″ x 30″ plot of space. Talk about pressure!

For weeks I had been staging Aaron’s table at home. With two children graduating nine days apart in two different states, I had to start early to make sure it was good.

In 2008, Nate had a senior table and Aaron deserved for me to put in the same painstaking effort. In my practice sessions, sometimes I’d tape a picture in one place on the cardboard and then move it elsewhere. A few of my table prototypes were created actually in Aaron’s room so he would see them when he came home from school. I’d anticipate the moment when Aaron would enter.

Yes, I said to myself, hopefully he will not collapse upon seeing its beauty.

Truly, I speculated, he will notice how I angled the ukelele JUST so,

put the candle HERE,

Oh how I adored seeing a classmate write encouraging words to my boy, such loving messages filled these pages.

the coffee cup THERE

and the tiny bell from Ukraine on THIS spot.

And when Aaron would walk into his room, my ear would keen for the slightest gasp of wonder. If a second passed without a response, I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Aaron, what do you think?” I’d beckon so desperate for his approval. Without exception Aaron showed his gratefulness. Whew. Other times, you know, just in case a friend stopped by and you never know when that just might happen, I would do the whole set-up in the dining room and dare I admit, I’d walk down the stairs several times just to get a glimpse afresh.

Senior pic taken by his aunt.

As the mama of three OS, for me with no other girl in my household, it was the equivalent of seeing a daughter in a wedding gown or a prom dress. Don’t laugh. I felt joy. The Hubs found other versions of the table in his office or in the hallway. Some family members were even blessed with text messages and pictures from me marking a new table development concept. A few were kind enough to acknowledge receipt of those pictures. Oh thank you if you indulged me! I sewed a swatch of remnant material from his books pants fabric. Aaron approved.

Then I stitched a coordinating rectangle of some extra fabric a friend had given me. Aaron liked the manly colors. He assisted my efforts by writing in gold a poem from his favorite author William Cowper and I trimmed the sides of the cardboard with pages from an old family Bible.

It wasn’t perfect but the time had come for the official unveiling. Insecure feelings never replaced the warm and wonderful sentiment I felt inside.

But I bet I wasn’t the only one who spent copious amounts of time on the child’s senior table project; based on what I saw, our collective souls were poured onto those hallowed folding tables.

We did not create altars for our children, I guess we just wanted our son or daughter and all who passed by to smile and either say, “Wow, I am loved” or “Awesome, someone thinks very highly of that kid.” If you think this post is stupid, then we probably couldn’t be friends. If you’ve read this far, you understand. Let’s have lunch.

Thursday arrived and tears flowed as we all beamed.

I had been crying throughout the day but vanity aside, I had to get a picture of me by Aaron’s table.

I gazed and cried stopping by many of Aaron’s friend’s tables. I noted with appreciation that none of these tables felt ostentatious as if they were trying to steal attention from someone else.

The body of Christ enveloped the mood. With our individual 7 1/2 square feet carefully crafted, the seniors marked the passage of time. I paused with gratitude over the families represented and prayed for their children’s future.

Have you ever done something like for a loved one? What special things would hallmark your “table”? I’d so enjoy hearing about it. May you all have opportunity for such a celebration of life.

After graduation, Aaron spent a long time reading the messages. What a thankful moment for all of us.

Questions: How do you handle the desire to be perfect with the reality that you’re not? What do you do when you feel competitive with other people and struggle with inadequacy?

The bunny in the window

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The most adorable thing I’ve ever seen in a hospital gift shop.

The ceramic bunny with powder blue overalls, paws tucked in the pockets, long- ingly looked at me each day from the glass display shelf.

No words were needed. We were just two innocent figures in an odd place sharing a kindred desire to escape the confines of the hospital.

Neither of us knew when and if that would happen.
Maybe he was jealous of me as he stood motionless among the other ceramic rabbits, after all I was in the lobby area and my feet moved swiftly.

To be fair though, I was envious of him also.

He was in a gift shop, he made people smile and he was among other pretty ceramic friends.

Last pic of the bunny and me

I felt uglier and older every time I walked into the hospital.

Only once did I venture into the gift shop to lift him up to see if I had the cash to get him sprung.

He was $38 and I gently set him back down to return to his post.

Each day for ten days prior to seeing my mom, I’d go and check on the ceramic bunny with the powder blue overalls.

And each time, an internal battle would loom within as I pondered taking him home with me.

Did I really want an emblem of my mom’s turmoil?
What if my mom died here?
And even if she didn’t, could I one day gaze at the ceramic bunny dwelling in my home and conjure up good sentiments about the whole experience?

And this is what I saw an hour later

Alas, the decision was taken from me. Here’s what happened.

I had briefly visited the ceramic bunny and gone to my mom’s room.

She was a disheveled mess and it was as if she had completely given up.

Honestly it ticked me off and left to my own druthers, I would have stormed out of the room leaving her to feel sorry for herself.

Yet I couldn’t do it.

Call it pride that I didn’t want people to think I was a bad daughter.

Call it love because I truly love the woman.

Call it Jesus because He alone gave me strength.

But I stayed and I got a stupid wheelchair and pushed my mom down the hallway. I told her we were going to go to the courtyard and I was going to introduce her to my friend at the gift shop. She was nonplussed.

While on the way, I reminded my mom to lift her head up, open her eyes and speak in full sentences. She needed to engage the world in order to get better. My words were met with limited compliance…I pushed her eagerly to the lobby right up to the glass window.

“Mom, I want to show you the ceramic bunny I’ve been visiting every day,” my voice and pace quickened in excitement as we pulled up to the display.

Nothing – and the other ceramic bunnies were mum about my special friend’s sudden disappearance.

photocopy3-3The cer- amic bunny with powder blue overalls was gone.

Someone had taken him.

How could that be? I had just seen him less than an hour ago!

Why did someone steal my joy?

Why was he getting to go home and I was still stuck here?

Did the ladies in the gift shop think I was such a creeper for taking so many pictures of him that they withdrew that bunny from the stock?

Where did he go?

Did someone get him for me?

Numb would best describe my feelings and I’m being totally honest even if it sounds weird. I am home now and the visits to the hospital have stopped.

My mom left the hospital a few days later to continue her recovery.

I tried attaching myself to another ceramic bunny in the gift shop, one that was more in my price range but it just didn’t feel right. I did, however, find another little friend in the hospital which I will soon share with you but there is something I need to learn from this experience.

Albeit wistfully, I now see that the ceramic bunny in powder blue overalls as a welcome, temporary diversion to strife.

He provided me a creative, silly outlet to express myself each day. We weren’t meant to be together but only for a short season of life.

The bunny, my mom and I all needed to go to our respective homes and leave this place behind. My mom is getting better and healing in a variety of ways.

A little life remembered

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It was just a month ago around 7pm when I was at Whole Foods with the Hubs. Our plans were to get a few things and do some Christmas shopping at the local mall.

We were talking with a friend whom we happened to meet coincidentally over by the deli counter and my mobile phone rang. It was my orange hair, freckle face OS calling. I was certain he needed help solving an argument between him and his brother or maybe it was just to remind us to pick him up a grocery item. But neither were the reason for his call. His voice was heavy and I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly.

“Lilly died.”

What did he say?

I nearly dropped my phone.

I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly and I didn’t want to misunderstand. I had just checked her mother’s blog that afternoon and although this little baby was medically fragile, there was no evidence that in the span of a few hours, she would be gone.

We aren’t related to Lilly in a family sense but this little girl had won our collective hearts.

Now I’m standing at Whole Foods struggling to understand this news. Suddenly all the Hubs and I wanted to do was speed through the check-out line and return home. Our family needed to be together, the errands could wait.

We walked out of Whole Foods stunned, the winter air had a quiet chill as we placed our groceries in the car. I could feel a whole community of people grieving over this profound loss. A tiny hero had passed away.

So who was Lilly? Lilly was a beloved baby born with Trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 (Edwards Syndrome) is a chromosomal disorder. Only 5-10% of children born with T18 live to see their first birthday. Lilly, aka Miss Firecracker because she was born July 4th, belied the medical community. Although T18 is commonly known as being incompatible with life, Lilly wanted nothing to do with that nonsense. For 17 months, Miss Firecracker bore witness to the fact that every life is significant.

The first time I would meet this precious child and her mother (I already know Lilly’s dad) was at the funeral home. Our entire family, including our OS who was home from West Point, loaded in the SUV to pay our respects.

I wasn’t the only one crying as we walked through the line and I will not tell you which OS also had tears in his eyes.

Dressed in a vintage christening gown with her favorite stuffed toy caterpillar near her side, Lilly looked like a tiny doll. It was necessary to share our condolences with Lilly’s family.

The line grew long as many waited to speak to her parents and offer sympathies and appreciation for loving her so well. Even though it was very emotional, the Hubs, Nate, Aaron, Ike and I had to meet this little girl who had inspired us with her fighting spirit. Lilly gave testimony to a life well lived.

The anticipation of a new baby breathes excitement into a family. But for some parents, joy is replaced with heartache when they learn that their much-loved preborn child may not survive. This book is a wonderful resource.

The anticipation of a new baby breathes excitement into a family. But for some parents, joy is replaced with heartache when they learn that their much-loved preborn child may not survive. This book is a wonderful resource.

As we reflected on the year 2011 and marked the many experiences we have shared as a family, Lilly’s life and her departure to heaven found its way into the threads of our significant moments. I am pleased to say that Lilly’s life mattered to many. Her extraordinary family remains in our prayers and continues to inspire.

Read more about Lilly and her legacy at Pray4Lilly. You will be blessed. Who has recently inspired you? I’d love to hear, please share.