This was my Saturday post..since then I have made progress and didn’t give up after all. I’m choosing to document not only my moments of success but also times of setback and discouragement. I’m posting it because some of you might understand my struggles…
Now back to Saturday afternoon…
I want to give up and throw in the towel. Swimming is just too hard. Nothing seems to work. It’s too complicated, too many things to try and coordinate. I’m too old for this. I look stupid. When my arms are straight, they should be bent. When my legs are kicking, they should be pointed. People look so effortless in the water, strong, brave, athletic, they must be geniuses too. No one can convince me I have the same appearance, what is wrong with me?
This is where I am today. If you were looking for an encouraging word, this isn’t the blog post for you. Sorry, just being honest. Even typing these words creates anxiety within me.
What quandary pervades my spirit! Competing forces – grief and gratitude, fear and courage, defeat and perseverance inhabit me.
|Swimming and grieving :&|
Grief – My grandma was so dear to me. Someone I loved deeply is no longer in my life and it’s terribly painful without her. Mourning is tiring and I want to just crawl into a corner and cry.
Gratitude – Yet I had a grandma for nearly 50 years, what right do I have to be sad? She brought immeasurable joy to me and lived 91 1/2 years! The Lord gave me a grandma for a longer time than most people. She led a storied life. Thank you Jesus for blessing me!
Fear – Moving forward without her is scary. And I’m finding that swimming is like grief. Is it ever going to feel natural being in the water? Living without my grandma?
|This diving board is becoming my friend.|
Courage – Being a land tortoise is a thing of the past. This summer, the diving board and I have become friends, we’re not besties but we enjoy each other most of the time. Like it or not, I’m doing at least two Hard Things simultaneously – swimming and grieving (News flash…on Monday, my orange hair, freckle face OS told me I had “guts!” That meant so much to me!)
|Um, yeah, that looks natural…NOT!|
Defeat – I have been googling YouTube videos about the breast stroke. Who came up with this swimming maneuver? The breast stroke is a constant source of conversation in my house, when do I glide, breathe, lift my head? OY! This afternoon I practiced my breast stroke techniques perpendicularly on a kitchen stool and on the large leg rest in our family room. Even at the farmer’s market in the parking lot, I demonstrated a possible breast stroke move to the Hubs. None of it makes sense, am I on the brink of figuring it out or is this just another indication that I need to just count my losses and move on?
Perseverance– But I have made some progress with swimming. For the first time in my life, I went in a circle while swimming. Don’t ask me how I did it. Most of you do this effortlessly but until Wednesday, all I could do was swim in a straight line. Frankly, I most often swim (accidentally) diagonally.
|I have walked by this lap pool for years.
I jumped in it for the first time.
I also went into the lap pool at our gym for the very first time. I plunged (sort of) into the much colder water and swam (terribly) two laps. Nearly died, gulping water, had a very unattractive choking spell while flapping my arms and legs at the wrong times but by golly, I did it. The plan is for me to return to this lap pool and eventually to feel comfortable enough with going there by myself. In the meantime, my trusty Hubs is by my side.
I’m encouraged knowing I’m not the only one Doing Hard Things and pushing through these struggles. Thanks y’all.
Thank you for your honesty and your beautiful words. Your act of doing of hard things is an inspiration to everyone. Prayers for healing and peace to you in your loss.And as Dory said in finding Nemo "just keep swimming."Love and hugs to you,cara
YOU are my hero!
I have been thinking about you so much lately! I feel very blessed to still have my maternal grandma, and my other grandma lived until two years ago. Yes, you were blessed to have her for so long, but I think that having them for so long makes it all that much harder to say goodbye. I do think it is so precious that your grandma got to know so many of her great-grandchildren. Precious for her and for them.Love you!
Anytime Mark can't go, I will!! I am happy to flap around in the water with you and maybe it will be a good distraction!!! Love your thoughts!!
keep… on… going… just… do… the… next… thing… whatever that is… praying for God's strength every step of the way.
I've been inspired by your blog as I too have recently lost my beloved grandmother. I wish I could tell you that it will eventually feel "normal" without her in your life, but I don't think it will. I'm 4 months without my grandmother and I can smile now thinking about her, but more often than not I tear up. It is hard! Keep living your life for Jesus and he will carry you (us) through this dark time.