In the meantime…

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So many blog posts I have started and been unable to finish. I love to write and this is a wonderful vehicle of self-expression; however, I have begun to receive really gross comments on my posts.  There’s nothing that creates writer’s block more than pornographic comments on a seemingly innocent message. I have since made changes on my blog to prevent this from happening…I hope. I can’t even imagine typing some of the words I have seen on my comments, we live in a really sick world. What is up with some people!

And I recently had dental surgery which, when combined with lingering health issues, makes writing even more challenging. An extraction of a molar and then a dental implant on a pre-molar the same day on the same side of my mouth do not top my favorite things to do list. I have felt like a pork roast and that is something I never thought I would say. How does one feel like a pork roast? You know how the butcher ties pieces of meat together with string? Well, that is how my mouth has felt and yes, that is icky. The surgical strings my mouth are gone since last Sunday and I was thrilled and revolted all at the same time. And because I know it feels to have people describe things you’d rather not read about, I will spare you graphic details about the clove-dipped gauze I experienced on Monday. It’s fair statement to now say I have also felt like a ham. I haven’t had any complications, praise the Lord but as the doctor stated, my mouth is reminding me I’m not 18 anymore and recovery takes longer.

My grandma is settling into her new home but the transition is draining for all involved. If I want to make myself burst into tears while simultaneously feeling like a pork roast or a ham, (do not try that at home!), I can focus on the sad aspects of my grandma’s move. But I am consciously choosing to not dwell on the things that cannot change and be attentive to the blessings. My sister has poured herself out to my grandma and given sacrificially of her time and talents. My aunt and uncle have bravely loved Grandma even when she is angry, bitter and confused about why the change was necessary. My grandma looks beautiful and has moments of lucidity. There are good things that are coming out of this even if it isn’t easy.

In my next post I will share the cool things my cadet has been doing lately. He comes home tomorrow for Spring Break and I can’t wait to have our five-piece puzzle intact again!

More soon!

Humbled by H1N1…

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Wow, was I stupid and prideful. I wanted to be the family who could say that none of us ever got the Swine Flu. I wouldn’t have been obnoxious about it. I wouldn’t have shoved it in people’s faces. It would have been more like an internal joy and satisfaction thing, the pride staying deep, deep down inside myself. I thought if we did all the right things, tried not to touch any unclean surface, used perfect personal hygiene techniques and took all the healthy supplements out there, we’d dodge the influenza bullet…WRONG!

My orange haired, freckle-faced OS has the flu, most likely the H1N1 Piggy Flu. Poo. The symptoms began the day after his 13th birthday. We didn’t make a cake for him on his birthday because we were waiting to celebrate with our extended family. Now the thought of cake, even the family favorite cake, Mint Chocolate Torte, reviles him.

It appears that someone gave our OS a most vicious birthday present. I didn’t see it enter the house. It wasn’t wrapped, there was no bow, I didn’t see him even open it up. Nonetheless, some ruthless soul gave him a whammy.
This morning, while in the middle of a dramatic and very strange dream, snuggling next to the Hubs, all of the sudden, this strained, forlorn voice breaks into my slumber, kind of like those Emergency Service Announcements on tv which always scare me. “Mom, Dad, I’m feeling really sick,” our newly crowned teenager groaned as he made a place for himself in our bed.

By 6am, the Hubs and I were at the grocery store buying orange juice, water, more hand sanitizer, anything we could get our hands on to get us through this trial. The one thing they were sold out? Masks and I’m not talking of the Halloween kind. Ike coughed brazenly in our bedroom and I told him, “Dude, you’re gonna take out the whole family!” We shall see if I was prophesying the future. (I don’t want to prophesy the future!)

We had been hoping to get together with the fam. The Gooey Guys and their sweet sister Rachel along with other important relatives were scheduled to stop by but those plans have been thwarted. No one wants to see us. It’s like we are social pariahs or something. What have we ever done to those people??? Zheesh! Poo.

So here we sit cloistered in our home. Not sure if we all are doomed. Ike was typing on this very keyboard last night…Does that spell disaster??? I did go to sleep and wake up with a headache. Can I just say that my personal experiences with flu were horrible? I prayed for a swift and untimely death which sadly did not come to pass. I’m not trying to make light of flu, I really just wanted to be out of my misery.

Friends, stay tuned. This was a post I did not want to write but I have been humbled and now I must sanitize my entire house…especially this keyboard.

Rain on my soul

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Writing is often my healthy outlet for expressing my feelings. Tears stream from my face as I sit in the Critical Care Waiting Area at the hospital. My mom is having heart catherization in a matter of moments and for some reason, I am a wreck.

I feel like I’m going to lose it. My brain seems to be detached from the rest of my body. In the last four weeks, I have been to three different hospitals for three different people, one of them being myself. I drove to the hospital and missed the turn. When I came to the familiar intersection, I had to call my husband to ask him which way to turn.
I got into the parking lot and don’t ask me how, but I found myself driving against the arrows. When I finally pulled into a parking spot, I was completely confused. I tried to walk down a flight of stairs but they were blocked. It was as if the hospital had moved from the time I had entered the parking lot!
I walked into the hospital and began looking for my stepfather. The ladies at the front desk asked me if I was having any flu symptoms. I told them no and asked them if they are now having to inquire everyone about this. I didn’t ask this in a sassy way but perhaps, I sounded a little frazzled. It was interesting that they said no so I’m wondering if I was acting so weird they thought something must be wrong with me!
Praise the Lord a kindly volunteer escorted me to the Heart Catherization Area. I shutter to think of where I would be if he hadn’t shown me where to go.

Then I saw my mom and I don’t know why but I struggled to keep it together. The nurses were going to show her a video about the procedure and I knew I couldn’t handle it. So here I sit by myself, watching Judge Mathis, writing to you, whoever you are.
It is a rainy day. My dad died 25 years ago on October 8th. Maybe that’s the reason I am having a rough time…

Like a bowl full of Jello


images-1I wrote on Tuesday how I enjoyed being normal.

Then Wednesday happened and I went to the hospital with a fast and irregular heartbeat.

When they hooked me up to the monitors, my stupid heart was pounding at 209 beats per minute.

I felt faint and clammy and utterly exhausted. My moment of normalcy was short-lived.

I’ve lived with a weird heart rate since I was a little girl.

When I was pregnant with my oldest OS, I had an especially nasty bout of it, quite similar to Wednesday’s episode and was hospitalized overnight for that event.

Finally they gave my heart problem a name, it’s SVT, supraventricular tachycardia. With little warning, my heart will flutter like a bowl of Jello. I do not like gelatinous things, in particular when that gelatinous thing happens to havoc in my body.

images-3A friend called and I tried to ignore my crazy heart and speak normally. I’m not sure I succeeded though. Then another friend called and this time, I felt too weak to talk. The Hubs was having lunch with a friend and when he returned, he noticed I wasn’t any better. I didn’t complain or protest when he announced we were going to the hospital.

If you are ever looking for a quick way to be seen in the Emergency Room, have a heart problem. You will suddenly become a high priority patient.

I was quickly ushered into an examining room and before I knew it, an IV was inserted into my arm after two tries. I felt very weak and lifeless and then the doctor told me I was going to have some medicine pumped in my veins.

images-2The nurse grabbed my arm and asked me if I was ready.

Say what???

I couldn’t understand why they were asking me this, what was going to happen?

Was I going to feel something?

The nurse emphatically told me yes, I was going to feel something.

No sooner had the adenosine entered my system, then my heart rate went from about 209 to about 113 in a matter of seconds.

It’s like you’re driving fast on a slippery road and then suddenly you hit the breaks and stop.

I was blessed because the adenosine worked on the first try. I learned that this doesn’t always happen. I also learned I do not like bedpans…

I saw the cardiologist today and will try another medication to help keep my heart beating normally. Have you ever thought about how we take for granted things like a strong and steady heart beat? As of Wednesday, I praise the Lord for my husband being home to take me to the hospital and for a beating heart that’s behaving.

Sometimes being normal is a good thing

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I have never wanted to be normal. I like being different. I like bright colored walls, streaks of pink on my hair, making my own chicken broth and although I have many insecurities, I like those things about me. I don’t consider myself weird or strange but also not ordinary.

That is until today. Today I found out I was “normal.” Today I found out I do not have cancer.

For almost eight months now, I have been suffering from constant hip pain. I took an exercise class back in February and I’m not sure what happened but I felt something like a tear in my hip. I had trouble walking out of the class and even to my car. I learned that I didn’t rip any tendons but I haven’t been the same since that class. I’ve been to numerous doctors, physical therapists, massage therapists, you name it and the pain hasn’t abated. I’ve had MRIs, CT scans and felt drained emotionally as the pain has traveled to my back and left hip.

A recent x-ray revealed something that required further tests. I have waited about a week to get the results. This afternoon, as I sat in the doctor’s office today by myself. I alternately played Scrabble on my iPod Touch and prayed to Jesus. When my doctor walked into the room, I barely exchanged pleasantries. I just wanted to get the news.

When she said that the tests didn’t show anything cancerous, I felt so thankful. Today I found out that I was normal. As much as I enjoy being different, I want desperately to be normal.

I realize that some of you reading my post today have been in my place. You’ve sat in the sterile doctor’s office waiting to see if your life was going to drastically change. I know some of you have accompanied a loved one to get test results and surely your heart sank when you didn’t get the kind of news I received today. I have hesitated to even write this post today because I do not want to cause anyone sadness. Please forgive me if you have heard different news and you are hurting because of me, in some small way.

I still have another medical test regarding some ovarian cysts. And I am not giving up on overcoming this ongoing struggle.

But tonight y’all, although I don’t have all the answers, I am happy that as far as certain things are concerned, I am normal. 😉 I raise a bowl of homemade chicken broth in Paris up high for being normal!